Posted in Blogging, Humor, Mi Vida Loca, nonfiction, postaday, Stories of my life, Uncategorized, writing

A Conversation With a Telemarketer

Exciting title right? Yeah, I know. But, this wasn’t just a run of the mill conversation. I had fun with him. Really I did. It happened several years ago and I’m not sure why I remembered it just as I was going to sleep last night. It was strange, I didn’t even get a telemarketing call yesterday. So I have no idea what made me remember it so clearly. Anyhoo, several years ago I had this conversation with a telemarketer.

Let me set it up first, okay. Number one, I have a soft voice. Back when this happened my voice sounded very young on the phone. I used to get teased by my family and friends all the time. I just plain sounded like a little girl. A very young little girl. Used to drive me crazy. Every once in a while it still happens to me. But that day it happened three times! People would call and when I answered they wanted to speak to an ‘adult’. To my Mother or Father.

I was living on my own and it was my phone that they called. The first two times it happened I had to explain to them that I was the adult. Now, the first two callers weren’t telemarketers. They were business people who truly wanted to talk to me. Just my voice sounded so young they had to be convinced I was who I said I was. Which was getting very frustrating by the time the telemarketer called. Which is my excuse for doing what I did. I was frustrated. So, here is how the conversation went.

Ring, Ring

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is blablablabla, I would like to talk to the adult in the house.”

“Who do you want to talk to?”

“Is there an adult there I can talk to young lady?”

**This is when that evil little imp jumped on my shoulder and started telling me what to say**

“Mama’s busy.”

“Is your daddy there?”

“Daddy went to work.”

“Can you ask your mother to come to the phone?”

“No, she’ll get mad. She always said that when one of my uncles was there not to bother her.”

“You’re uncle is there? Where are they? Can I talk to one of them?”

“They are in Mama’s bedroom. I’m not suppose to go in there when the door is closed.”

“Your mother and uncle are in the bedroom?”

“uh huh”

*There was a hesitation then. I was trying really hard not to laugh out loud in the phone, or my gig was up!*

“How old are you young lady?”

“I’m five!”

“You’re five? And you’re alone?”

“I’m not alone! Mama and Uncle Charlie is in Mama’s bedroom! I can hear ’em. They is making noises in there. Mama says they play games in there.”

*Another hesitation*

“Do you know how to call your daddy at work?”

“I can’t. Daddy don’t like it.”

“Maybe you should call him. Can you do that?”

“No! He and mama both gets mad if I play with the phone.”

Do you have many uncles?”

“Oh yes! I got lots and lots of uncles. Some even give me presents  or candy! They tell me it’s our little secret and not to tell daddy.”

“Um, do all your uncles go into the bedroom with your Mother?”

“Uh huh, they all like to play games in there. But Mama says it’s grown up games and not for little girls.”

“She leaves you all alone while she plays with your uncles?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay, I got my toys to play with.”

“Can you tell me your address? Where you live?”

“I dunno.”

“Do you know your address?”

“uh huh”

“Tell me your address then. I tell you what, you want another present? Tell me your address and I’ll give you a present.”

“Really??”

“Oh yes, wouldn’t you want a present?”

**Now by this time I am really cracking up. I am having a hard time not laughing in the phone. I’m not sure if this guy wants to report ‘mama’ to the police or come over for a visit!**

“I like presents. Their fun.”

“Well tell me your address and I promise I will get you the best present a little girl could want!”

“Wellllll okay.”

And then I proceeded to give him my ex husbands address. I know, I know. That was really mean of me! I sure in hell wasn’t going to give him mine! Oh my, I laughed on and off all day after that conversation. I often wondered if he reported it to the police or went to visit my ex. Hahaha, guess I will never know. All though I never got a return phone call from that particular firm that he was representing. Hehehe.