Diary of a snow shoveler

Here is a cute little piece I thought I would share. Enjoy a good laugh today!  

snow

December 8 – 6:00 PM

It  started to snow.  The first snow of the season and  I took my cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic.  I love snow!

December 9

I woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt young again.  I did both the driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

 

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.  I don’t think that’s possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s my neighbor.

 

December 14

Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to  -20 F.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.

 

December 15

20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  I thought about a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  Then thought that’s silly.  We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

 

December 16

Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.  The neighbor laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

 

Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wall.  Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove.   I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

 

December 20

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling!  Took all day.  The damn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey.  I think they’re lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they’re lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he’s lying.

December 22

 

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.  By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.  I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy.  I think the  *sshole is lying.

snow3

 

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0. Thought about decorating the front of the house today.  Am I nuts?!!  Why didn’t I do it a month ago??!  

 

December 24

6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.

 

Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!  Tonight the family wanted me to sing Christmas carols with them and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

 

December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight –

 

Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate

 

the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The neighbor  says I have a bad attitude. I think he’s a fricking idiot.  If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to scream.

 

December 26

Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  

December 27

 

Temperature dropped to – 30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

 

December 28

Warmed up to above -20.   Still snowed in.  The neighbor is driving me crazy!!!

 

December 29

10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

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December 30

 

Roof caved in.  I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.    Nine more inches predicted.

 

 

December 31

 

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

 

 

January 8

 

Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  

 

Why am I tied to the bed?

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13 thoughts on “Diary of a snow shoveler

  1. I laughed all the way through this one. I am going to have to share this with my daughter-in-law, she moved to Pennsylvania from Arizona. Her first year here she loved the snow. She shoveled, played in it, walked to work and laughed how the people who didn’t shovel their sidewalks were helping her because it was better than a work out on a stepper. By the end of winter, she had enough and I was shaking my head laughing the whole time at her.

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    1. JackieP

      Oh yes, I am sure she can relate so well with this. This is something I related to after I lived in Texas for 20 years then moved home to Wisconsin then here to Canada. Believe me after my first winter I was sick of it. 😉

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  2. Pingback: Friday means it time for the best of the week | livingsimplyfree

  3. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples

    Hahaha….Sent crazy by the cold white stuff…I love it.
    Jan and Feb are the months we expect it here in Britain and the country never ever seems to be ready for it.
    Our kids school expects the kids to walk through the snow to get in, even if some of the teachers can’t, due to the lack of transportation.
    There are those who hate it, those who have a love/hate for it (I’m in that camp) and those who love it, normally because their business depends on it.
    Thanks for the laugh Jackie. 😀

    Like

    1. JackieP

      You’re welcome Phil! Here in Canada you either hate or love the snow, by the end of winter you get so tired of shoveling it drives you crazy! 🙂

      Like

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