This is something new I’ve just joined. Some of my dear readers have read my WIP, some of the new ones have not. I’m still working on it since NaNoWriMo finished the end of November. I thought if I can get (and receive) honest and nice critiques it can only help my writing. So I’m hoping to do this every Sunday.
In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)
Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list. The more the merrier!
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This is from my WIP “The Key”. This is towards the beginning where Phillis meets Pal (a large wild dog/wolf) for the first time. It’s a bit more then 250 words (sorry about that), but I thought I needed to show the setup and the meeting. This is a first draft! So it is rough.
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As she looked around she thought she saw a small building in the woods off to her right. She started walking toward it as she didn’t think she could get back to the house before the clouds opened up and the rain came down. The winds grew even stronger, bending the trees till she thought they would break in half. The ground suddenly shook when thunder cracked right over head. She gave a jump and started running toward where she saw the log building. She needed to find protection from the storm quickly.
Running she caught brief glimpses through the trees of a small log cabin. She hoped the door was unlocked. She could all ready feel the slight ping of hail. If she didn’t reach shelter fast the hail could cut her to pieces. Gasping for breath she hit the door of the cabin just as the sky opened up with a vengeance. Hail the size of golf balls came pounding down with the high wind giving them extra force. She turned the small knob on the cabin door and gave a gasp as it gave way with a whoosh! She quickly stepped inside and slammed the door shut. Leaning her head against the door she gasped for breath. Her body was shaking with adrenaline. Thank goodness for this cabin!
Suddenly a sound caught her ears. And a smell of wet dirty fur. She held her breath as her heart pounded once again. She heard the growl behind her. Very slowly she turned her head. Phillis knew better than to make any sudden moves. If it was a wild animal a sudden move might make it attack. Slowly with held breath she turned her head and out of the corner of her eye she sees something in the dark corner move. Just as slowly she turns her whole body. Inch by slow inch. She didn’t dare go back outside as she heard the large hail hit the building with such force she hoped the old roof would hold up. Whatever was in the corner hadn’t attacked yet, so she took her chances with whatever it was. Wolf? Coyote?
Looking hard at the corner where the small growls were coming from, a lightening bolt that lit up the cabin showed her a brief glimpse of the animal. It looked to her like a dog. A big dog. A big wet smelly half-starved dog. A large broken window showed how the animal entered the cabin. Probably wanting a safe place to hole up for a while. Much like herself. Phillis almost smiled. She loved animals. Especially dogs. They seemed to love her also. Edith always said Phillis almost had an unearthly way with animals. A gift Edith told her. A true gift with animals. Well, Phillis hoped so, because she was going to need it if she was going to get out of this situation.
Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://wyrmflight.wordpress.com/
http://www.mandyevebarnett.com
http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
http://threepiecebikini.blogspot.com/
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
The Last Chapter 
Like the set up!
Her body was shaking with adrenaline- could be just “her body shook with adrenaline”?
The “Thank goodness for this cabin!” bit you could put it as her saying it – “Thank goodness for this cabin!” She thought/said etc…
Brilliant start 🙂
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Thanks Jenny! Both ideas are really good and I will use them, I like the flow better with your ideas. 🙂
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I’ve missed your short stories and was wondering when you would write more on the Key.
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I am trying to start to work on the key again. I’m also thinking of having new short stories as a weekly or bi-weekly thing. I miss writing those short stories and have so many ideas! Thanks.
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I will look forward to them, I always enjoy your stories.
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I like the scene, but it could definitely use a little sprucing up to draw the reader in. Try to avoid using the word “look” and do your best to avoid the passive tense. Try to keep the reader absorbed where they are… not where you were a few seconds ago. Jenn the Wren’s comments above are both examples of this. Take a look at all of your work an try to apply it.
On the Write without looking – I did a few lessons on this on my blog past year if you’d like to look them up. THey may help.
Good luck and welcoe aboard!
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Thank you Jennifer. It is a first draft so I know I need to do a lot of cleaning up. I appreciate any and all help. I will go over what I have and see how I can get rid of some unnecessary words. I know I have a problem with tenses also.
I will look up your posts. Thanks again.
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I haven’t seen any of this WIP, so it is new to me, and I like this scene. The storm setting is good, and the tension in the cabin with the dog is good. Yeah! A dog!! 🙂
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Thanks Maddie! I have to have a dog in it. 🙂
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Write everything, then go back and trim when you’re done. That’s the way to go. And we all have to resist the ‘tell!’
Also, “She could all ready feel the slight ping of hail. If she didn’t reach shelter fast the hail could cut her to pieces.”
Hail doesn’t ping. I’ve been caught out in it. It hurts! But I’m not sure it cuts. Maybe bruise/hammer/batter? And I’m missing a little of her senses–is it cold, damp, musty-smelling, etc?
Nice beginning!
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thank you, but yeah hail does cut, I’ve been caught in some wicked ones in Ft Worth where they would cut my arms up. But I do see what you mean. This is actually the first time I’ve been tackling the editing part of my WIP. I know I need some help. I’m half way done with it and wanted some critiques. So thank you again..
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Ouch, sorry to hear that. I must’ve been lucky–I was bruised, but not bleeding.
Keep writing! 🙂
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I like the tension inside the cabin and won’t repeat any previous comments. However, in the first paragraph, I wonder about all the ‘she’s’. Two sentences have three each, for example. Just an observation…
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I will have to go over it again. It is a first draft so it’s pretty rough. But thank you for bringing all the she’s to my attention. I appreciate it.
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