Sunday Snippets Blog Hop ~ March 10

Sunday_SnippetsOh Yeah! It’s the Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop!

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.  Don’t have a post of your own?  We’d love a critique anyway!  And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list.  The more the merrier!

 

This is another snippet from “The Key”. It happens after Phillis was attacked in her kitchen by an unknown assailant. It is still in first draft so it is very rough!!

 

akey

 

Phillis walked back to the kitchen and searched the kitchen cupboard until she found the bottle of Vodka she knew was stashed there. She got a glass and poured herself a stiff drink. She quickly gulped half down and refilled her glass. She took the bottle and glass to the table with her and sat down. She looked at Pal and raised her glass.

“I’m not a drinking girl, but damn I needed this!”

Phillis put the glass up to her mouth and took another long drink. She gave a cough as the booze hit the back of  her sore throat. Why was the man here and why was he trying to kill her? She didn’t think he meant to kill her at first, more like subdue her. Once she fought back and he lost his temper than yeah, he wanted to kill her. But, again why?? She took a deep breath and looked at Pal sitting by the sink watching her. That’s when she noticed the blood.

She hastily put the glass down and rushed over to Pal. “Are you hurt boy?”

Phillis patted him down and then came to realize it was not Pal’s blood but that of the attackers. She grimaced and grabbed a kitchen towel and put it under the hot water tap. After wringing some of the water out she started cleaning the blood off of Pal. He stood quietly and let her fuss over him. He sensed she needed this to settle her nerves. After he was cleaned up to her satisfaction she threw the towel in the garbage.

She gave him another hug and whispered, “I’m so glad you are okay. I can’t lose you too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

https://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets Blog Hop ~ March 10

  1. Great snippet here. Advice: take the second ‘kitchen’ in the first line out. Don’t need it since we know she’s in the kitchen.

    I’d see if I could combine her taking a drink to moving to the table. it reads kind of choppy right now (I know, 1st draft :-))

    Also, I’d like to see some sort of physical reaction. She’s just been attacked. I would think she would be shaking, sweating, clothes would be torn. has she called the police? Is she holding the phone thinking about calling the police. does she have any bruises? Cuts? Does she have a knife with her in the event he comes back? These are things I think I’d consider touching on in these paragraphs. I like the touch with Pal. Nicely done.

    Like

  2. Peaches

    I remember that scene. It is awesome..and this reminds me I still haven’t finished reading your book. Frick. if I’m not working Tuesday, I’ll do it. It was so good!? Why did I stop?!

    Like

    1. JackieP

      Phillis and Pal have a very special relationship as is explained earlier and through out the book. In that context it does not seem unusual that the dog ‘sensed’ phillis needed what she did. There are other places in the book that this kind of ‘understanding’ goes on between the dog and the woman. As this is just a very small snippet out of a whole book it stand to reason it might not completely make sense unless you read the book or the beginning of the friendship between woman and dog.

      Like

  3. I think you can cut a lot of the ‘she’ in the first paragraph – she did this she did that jars a bit as you read it. Maybe mention fur in the paragraph she is cleaning the blood off the dog? Good snippet!

    Like

  4. Everyone got to the good advice ahead of me! A dash more reaction and description, and this already good snippet is golden!
    I know this is a rough draft, but when you edit, you might look at your verbs.
    “She got a glass…” “She hastily put the glass down” “to the table with her and sat down.”
    Got could be grabbed, or sat could be slumped.
    None of these things *need* changing, but they might strengthen the scene if you change some.

    Like

    1. JackieP

      I see what you mean. Yes it would make it much stronger. Thank you! I plan on editing the snippet and then later on show what I have done to change it. Thanks again

      Like

  5. Pingback: Inaugural Sunday Sampler -A Mashup of Snippets and Bits | shanjeniah

  6. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop ~ March 17 | To Breathe is to Write

  7. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The First 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED | Jennifer M Eaton

  8. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The Second (x2) 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED | Jennifer M Eaton

  9. Pingback: Writer’s Retreat! and Sunday Snippets Critique Hop | Jennifer M Eaton

  10. Pingback: Sunday Snippets? Ugh. Not this week. Sorry. [Sad face] | Jennifer M Eaton

Tell Me What You Think

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s