Posted in Blogging, Fiction, postaday, stories, writing

Sunday Snippets Blog Hop ~ March 10

Sunday_SnippetsOh Yeah! It’s the Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop!

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.  Don’t have a post of your own?  We’d love a critique anyway!  And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

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This is another snippet from “The Key”. It happens after Phillis was attacked in her kitchen by an unknown assailant. It is still in first draft so it is very rough!!

 

akey

 

Phillis walked back to the kitchen and searched the kitchen cupboard until she found the bottle of Vodka she knew was stashed there. She got a glass and poured herself a stiff drink. She quickly gulped half down and refilled her glass. She took the bottle and glass to the table with her and sat down. She looked at Pal and raised her glass.

“I’m not a drinking girl, but damn I needed this!”

Phillis put the glass up to her mouth and took another long drink. She gave a cough as the booze hit the back of  her sore throat. Why was the man here and why was he trying to kill her? She didn’t think he meant to kill her at first, more like subdue her. Once she fought back and he lost his temper than yeah, he wanted to kill her. But, again why?? She took a deep breath and looked at Pal sitting by the sink watching her. That’s when she noticed the blood.

She hastily put the glass down and rushed over to Pal. “Are you hurt boy?”

Phillis patted him down and then came to realize it was not Pal’s blood but that of the attackers. She grimaced and grabbed a kitchen towel and put it under the hot water tap. After wringing some of the water out she started cleaning the blood off of Pal. He stood quietly and let her fuss over him. He sensed she needed this to settle her nerves. After he was cleaned up to her satisfaction she threw the towel in the garbage.

She gave him another hug and whispered, “I’m so glad you are okay. I can’t lose you too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

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Author:

I enjoy reading, writing, and painting. I love animals and at present have one dog (Sam) and 2 cats (brother and sister, Notwen and Pouncer). I've lived in various places in the USA and now in Canada. I've always enjoyed watching life and people and have developed an appreciation for it all. My outlook is sometimes out of the normal.... but that's what makes things so interesting! I am always interested in the opinions of others. Everyone has their own outlook and it's always worthwhile to listen! http://tobreatheistowrite.com

24 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets Blog Hop ~ March 10

  1. Great snippet here. Advice: take the second ‘kitchen’ in the first line out. Don’t need it since we know she’s in the kitchen.

    I’d see if I could combine her taking a drink to moving to the table. it reads kind of choppy right now (I know, 1st draft :-))

    Also, I’d like to see some sort of physical reaction. She’s just been attacked. I would think she would be shaking, sweating, clothes would be torn. has she called the police? Is she holding the phone thinking about calling the police. does she have any bruises? Cuts? Does she have a knife with her in the event he comes back? These are things I think I’d consider touching on in these paragraphs. I like the touch with Pal. Nicely done.

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  2. I remember that scene. It is awesome..and this reminds me I still haven’t finished reading your book. Frick. if I’m not working Tuesday, I’ll do it. It was so good!? Why did I stop?!

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    1. you stopped because you had other things to do. haaha! Life is life kiddo, read it when you can. I understand 🙂

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  3. The only comment I have to add is in the second last line, second last paragraph:
    “He sensed she needed this to settle her nerve.” How does Phillis know what the dog is sensing? How can she read his mind?

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    1. Phillis and Pal have a very special relationship as is explained earlier and through out the book. In that context it does not seem unusual that the dog ‘sensed’ phillis needed what she did. There are other places in the book that this kind of ‘understanding’ goes on between the dog and the woman. As this is just a very small snippet out of a whole book it stand to reason it might not completely make sense unless you read the book or the beginning of the friendship between woman and dog.

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    1. Maddie! I hope your weekend was carefree and fun. I like the story also, even if it still needs lots of work. 😉

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    1. thank you tiny! I’m looking forward to it too! It keeps changing on me so who knows how it will turn out. 😉

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  4. I think you can cut a lot of the ‘she’ in the first paragraph – she did this she did that jars a bit as you read it. Maybe mention fur in the paragraph she is cleaning the blood off the dog? Good snippet!

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    1. Thanks Mandy, I have a bad habit of inserting ‘she’ or ‘he’ in a story, I am trying to be better about that.

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  5. Everyone got to the good advice ahead of me! A dash more reaction and description, and this already good snippet is golden!
    I know this is a rough draft, but when you edit, you might look at your verbs.
    “She got a glass…” “She hastily put the glass down” “to the table with her and sat down.”
    Got could be grabbed, or sat could be slumped.
    None of these things *need* changing, but they might strengthen the scene if you change some.

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    1. I see what you mean. Yes it would make it much stronger. Thank you! I plan on editing the snippet and then later on show what I have done to change it. Thanks again

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