Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop ~ March 17

sunday_snippets2 (1)In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.  Don’t have a post of your own?  We’d love a critique anyway!

Want to join up?  Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list.  The more the merrier!

My week’s Sunday Snippet is from a short story I had started a while ago. I’m thinking of expanding it. Hope you enjoy it.

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They were married eight months after that first magical meeting. Karen’s lawyers tried to convince her to have Greg sign a  pre-nup. She refused to even consider it. Karen was in love! She had Greg’s name added to everything she owned. The bank accounts, house deeds, boat deeds. Even her father’s business. Greg took it all over with a big smile and light kiss on the cheek. The only thing Greg couldn’t touch was her trust fund for it had been set up by her father when she first went to college. No one could touch it but she and her father’s trusted friend and lawyer Mr. James.

Mr. James, or Jamey as Karen always called him, took an instant dislike to Greg. He knew what Greg was, but saw how happy Karen appeared, so kept his opinions to himself. Greg fooled most people. Everyone he met thought he was a devoted husband. A man who would do anything for his wife. They never saw the Greg that showed up about three months after the wedding. That was the real Greg. The bully, the wife beater, the liar and the man who loved to terrorize his wife. Just for the fun of it.

Karen took  three years of abuse. Three years of beatings. Then she couldn’t take anymore. She had thought of suicide briefly. But deep down she didn’t want to die. She was a survivor. So she started to plan.

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Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

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18 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop ~ March 17

  1. This is a great set up, gives the reader a reason to keep reading.
    My only suggestion might be to look for ways to add some action opposed to all backstory up front.
    Well written though. You already start to feel for Karen.

    Like

  2. Any marriage story that starts talking about a pre-nup isn’t going to end well!
    And yeah, I agree with M.Z.–start with the plotting, and go back to the happy times.
    “They never saw the Greg that showed up about three months after the wedding. That was the real Greg. The bully, the wife beater, the liar and the man who loved to terrorize his wife. Just for the fun of it.

    Karen took three years of abuse. Three years of beatings. Then she couldn’t take anymore.”
    I like (okay, not like, you know what I mean) what’s happening here, but I think it might be stronger if you cut the general description. End the paragraph with “real Greg” and then the next paragraph, give examples of the abuse, lies, etc. Just briefly, so we get a feel for the “real Greg.”
    Is he a shover, a pincher? Does he take care to only bruise her torso, or does she have to lie about walking into a door?
    Really emotional start, and makes me hope he gets what’s coming to him!

    Like

    1. JackieP

      well I do believe that the next paragraph states how he hurts her. I had to stop where I did because I was all ready at 250 words. A bit more and you would see what he does. Thanks for the suggestions. I will see how I can make it stronger.

      Like

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