If you could pause real life and spend some time living with a family anywhere in the world, where would you go?
I’ve given this question some serious thought. This is my answer.
I would go home. I would go home to my own family.
I would go back and ask one question. What the hell happened to us?
I would gather my mother, sister and two brothers and I would sit us down in the living room and ask that question. What the hell happened to us?
What happened to what little closeness we had? Granted we were never much for showing our feelings unless they were angered or frustration with each other. But, we used to at least talk to each other. Well okay, let me be more specific here. YOU used to talk to ME. Now none of you do. That makes me sad.
I know I’ve been gone from home for a long time. Except for brief visits or a short time that I lived back home again. Otherwise since I left home when I was 21 I haven’t been back much. Even so, we still used to talk to each other! We would call or write at least once a week. What the hell happened to us?
My younger brother and I used to be so close. No matter what happened it was us two against everyone else. Now? It seems he is a bitter and angry man towards me and I’m not sure why. He holds what my ex did to the family against me personally. Truth to say they all do. It seems they think what he did is what I condoned. That could not be further from the truth. I doubt they will believe that, or maybe they just don’t wish to believe it.
My family was done wrong by my ex ( he is a true narcissist). They forget that he is my EX for a reason. They don’t seem to think that he controlled me, my actions and my thoughts to the point that I said and did what he wanted me to. Until I got away from him. Now I think for myself.
My older sister and I were always so close. I could tell her anything and everything and she would listen. Now, she won’t even return a Facebook message. It saddens me no end. I’ve sent cards, letters and I’ve tried calling. Nothing seems to work. It breaks my heart to think how far we have grown apart. What the hell happened to us?
So yes, I would go home to my own family and sit down with them and talk about the good times. I would talk to them, maybe cry with them and try to get back just some of that closeness we used to have.
My older brother and I never did get along. Even when we were kids we didn’t get along that well. Maybe because I don’t like bullies and he was one. Still is in many ways. Just an older version. If I could though I would go and sit with him and talk to him and try to be more understanding and forgiving. He is who he is for better or worse. He is still my brother.
When I left home so many years ago, who would have thought I would still be gone at this time in my life? I’m much older and much more wiser, at least I hope I’m wiser. Part of our growing apart is my fault, I will admit that. But it’s not all my fault. I grew into the woman I am today. One I doubt my family would recognize or know. In fact I KNOW they don’t know me. How could they? I have to say that I don’t know them anymore either.
I’ve been through a lot these many years that I’ve been gone. Some my family knows about and much they don’t. They never knew half of what went on in my first marriage. Not even close. For me it’s the past and where it should stay.
I suppose my family still sees me as I was when I was 21. Maybe. They are quick to judge me, all in the worst way, for some reason. The only thing I have been guilty of is having poor judgement in marriage partners and staying in that marriage way too long. Okay, I’m guilty also of being a very private person. I didn’t tell them most of the stuff that was going on in my life because I felt they didn’t need to know.
I’ve left mentioning my mother for last. Her and I have always had a very tumultuous relationship. It was always apparent to me that she didn’t like me much. Sometimes we would go years without talking. One thing my mother knows how to do very well is holding a grudge.
I love my mother. Not sure if she loves me. Simple yet oh so complicated. She has always been the force in our family. A very strong force. What she says goes in my family. As it always has.
We had been getting along great for years after my father died. The longest we got along in my life! Then it all changed. I’m not sure why. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls. She would get angry at me very easily. Now, she hasn’t talked to me for months. I’m not sure what I did or said this time. Hell, I’m never sure with my mother.
So yes, I would go to my own family, sit them all down and talk to them. One on one, or all together. And I would ask the question. What the hell happened to us?
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