Daily Prompt: On the Road

Daily Prompt: On the Road

If you could pause real life and spend some time living with a family anywhere in the world, where would you go?

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I’ve given this question some serious thought. This is my answer.

I would go home. I would go home to my own family.

I would go back  and ask one question. What the hell happened to us?

I would gather my  mother, sister and two brothers and I would sit us down in the living room and ask that question. What the hell happened to us?

What happened to what little closeness we had? Granted we were never much for showing our feelings unless they were angered or frustration with each other. But, we used to at least talk to each other. Well okay, let me be more specific here. YOU used to talk to ME. Now none of you do. That makes me sad.

photo by http://www2.gov.bc.ca/
photo by http://www2.gov.bc.ca/

I know I’ve been gone from home for a long time. Except for brief visits or a short time that I lived back home again. Otherwise since I left home when I was 21 I haven’t been back much. Even so, we still used to talk to each other! We would call or write at least once a week. What the hell happened to us?

My younger brother and I used to be so close. No matter what happened it was us two against everyone else. Now? It seems he is a bitter and angry man towards me and I’m not sure why. He holds what my ex did to the family against me personally. Truth to say they all do. It seems they think what he did is what I condoned. That could not be further from the truth. I doubt they will believe that, or maybe they just don’t wish to believe it.

My family was done wrong by my ex ( he is a true narcissist). They forget that he is my EX for a reason. They don’t seem to think that he controlled me, my actions and my thoughts to the point that I said and did what he wanted me to. Until I got away from him. Now I think for myself.

My older sister and I were always so close. I could tell her anything and everything and she would listen. Now, she won’t even return a Facebook message. It saddens me no end. I’ve sent cards, letters and I’ve tried calling. Nothing seems to work. It breaks my heart to think how far we have grown apart. What the hell happened to us?

So yes, I would go home to my own family and sit down with them and talk about the good times. I would talk to them, maybe cry with them and try to get back just some of that closeness we used to have.

My older brother and I never did get along. Even when we were kids we didn’t get along that well. Maybe because I don’t like bullies and he was one. Still is in many ways.  Just an older version. If I could though I would go and sit with him and talk to him and try to be more understanding and forgiving. He is who he is for better or worse. He is still my brother.

When I left home so many years ago, who would have thought I would still be gone at this time in my life? I’m much older and much more wiser, at least I hope I’m wiser. Part of our growing apart is my fault, I will admit that. But it’s not all my fault. I grew into the woman I am today. One I doubt my family would recognize or know. In fact I KNOW they don’t know me. How could they? I have to say that I don’t know them anymore either.

I’ve been through a lot these many years that I’ve been gone. Some my family knows about and much they don’t. They never knew half of what went on in my first marriage. Not even close. For me it’s the past and where it should stay.

I suppose my family still sees me as I was when I was 21. Maybe. They are quick to judge me, all in the worst way, for some reason. The only thing I have been guilty of is having poor judgement in marriage partners and staying in that marriage way too long. Okay, I’m guilty also of being a very private person. I didn’t tell them most of the stuff that was going on in my life because I felt they didn’t need to know.

I’ve left mentioning my mother for last. Her and I have always had a very tumultuous relationship. It was always apparent to me that she didn’t like me much. Sometimes we would go years without talking. One thing my mother knows how to do very well is holding a grudge.

I love my mother. Not sure if she loves me. Simple yet oh so complicated. She has always been the force in our family. A very strong force. What she says goes in my family. As it always has.

We had been getting along great for years after my father died. The longest we got along in my life! Then it all changed. I’m not sure  why. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls. She would get angry at me very easily. Now, she hasn’t talked to me for months. I’m not sure what I did or said this time. Hell, I’m never sure with my mother.

So yes, I would go to my own family, sit them all down and talk to them. One on one, or all together. And I would ask the question. What the hell happened to us?

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Daily Prompt: On the Road

  1. Pingback: Daily Prompt: On the Road | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

  2. Italy – extended families are sadly lacking in Western society and we miss out on so much because of it. I’m lucky to have a very close loving family even though I emigrated to Canada from England. When I visit we just slot back into conversation as though we have never been apart.

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  3. Pingback: Off the Road | The Silver Leaf Journal

  4. Families are tough. Relationships, tougher. All experiences teach us something. I haven’t heard from a younger brother since 1999 at our dads funeral. He wants nothing to do with the family. I was married to a narcissist too. My kids let out a long sigh of relief when I managed to sneak out. Had to do that with their father too. Too soon old, too late smart. Never again. Hang in there. They are the people losing out.

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  5. Pingback: a man and his word | Musings of a Random Mind

  6. Pingback: Where in the world is Rob’s Surf Report? | Rob's Surf Report

  7. I never had an easy time with my family either. I was always the black sheep because I marched to my own drummer. Oddly enough I was caretaker to them all in their final days. Hope they see the light soon. You’re a charmer – they shouldn’t miss out on that.

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    1. JackieP

      Thank you Francis. I appreciate the kind words. My younger brother and older sis take care of mom. I don’t think she would want me too, she dislikes me too much. Ah well. I marched to my own drummer too and they can’t quite understand that one. Some days they mystify me.

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      1. I was in a store once, and a woman was mystified that her daughter did not want the most popular phone out. “Everyone has it Mom, I want something different.” The mother looked at me and said, “But if everyone has it that means it has to be good.” Nay Nay say I. 😉

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  8. The situation is quite sad indeed, you have tried. No family is perfect, we all have our issues. My tactics includes continuing to show that I want to repair what is broken, I am willing to listen and discuss, even say I’m not always right…so just continue to try and maybe one day there’ll be an opportunity to actually go there and ask that question, discuss and hug each other, say that we’ll try again…

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  9. I think that there comes a time where you just have to set these kinds of actions or inactions aside and decide that they don’t matter. The time of separation is long enough that they really don’t have insight into you or where you are at. I know with my own family I have had to make the choice to just move forward with or without communication. Over time things change and sometimes doors for reconciliation open. I’m sorry that your family has disintegrated like this, but it’s about them more than it’s about you.

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    1. JackieP

      thank you Lorri for your wise words. I believe you are right. I am trying to set them aside because it just makes me so sad. It is so true that the separation has been so long that they just don’t know me. You are a good person my friend.

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      1. I went through a period of about 3 years where my pop cut me off – I was never completely clear about why. I discovered that life was easier without the drama in my life and over time I didn’t even miss him – his spite devalued him to me. I know it sounds cold, but once we started talking again the stakes were not high for me at all. I also decided that his actions would have no real bearing in my life. Strangely, this distance allowed me to let him off the hook. Once we reconnected he was no longer in control of my emotions and I made the call to forgive him. We had a great relationship for the last decade of his life, and I think that time of disconnect probably helped.

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        1. JackieP

          My family and I have had long periods where we didn’t speak. Seven years so far was the longest. I actually was surprised at how much power they still had to hurt me. But I have to admit, this time the hurt is less then last. I’m a different person than I was back then. Thank you for your encouragement.

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  10. Pingback: Travel with me #photography #poetry | Moondustwriter's Blog

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