Most people who know me, here in the virtual world and in the real world, don’t realize how I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety attacks in my life. Why? Because I don’t talk about it. I put on my happy face or my face that says, “don’t come near me” and go about my life.
I’ve touched on it briefly in one or two past posts, that’s about it. I’ve seen more and more blogs with the title ‘Blogging for Mental Health’ or something similar. A lot of my blogging buddies are writing posts on their battles with different mental health issues.
Now it’s time for me to do the same. If I can help just one person, then I’ve done a good thing. I’ve kept quiet about my issues because that is how I was raised and taught. You have a problem? Don’t tell. You were abused? Don’t tell. You are depressed? Don’t tell. You can’t step a foot out the front door because it terrifies you? Don’t tell. Make up excuses for not leaving the house for days at a time, weeks at a time. Sometimes, months at a time.
I’ve never been professionally diagnosed with these mental health issues. I’ve never talked to a therapist, psychologist, or any other medical person about these things. I’ve read though, I’ve read books, journals, and anything else I could find about depression and anxiety attacks.
I’ve gone through months and even more than a year inside a deep dark hole, where all I wanted was my life to end. I would say that’s depression. I fight it every single day that I breathe. That deep dark hole is a terrifying place to be.
I’ve gone months and more without stepping foot outside my front door. I would go to the door, open the door and be terrified. I was positive that if I walked outside something bad would happen to me. I would then slam the door shut and make sure it was locked, then I would go and check all the windows and other doors in the house to make sure they were locked.
Then I would sit down with my fur babies and cry. Because deep down I knew it was wrong to feel this way.
I managed, by myself to crawl out of that deep dark hole of depression and stay out. It’s a fight, but I do it daily. I managed to walk out my front door and rejoice in the sunlight on my face. I did it without professional help. It’s not something I would recommend. I did it without drugs or therapy, but again, not something I recommend. It’s hard. It’s damn near impossible.
Most days I wonder if I have the strength to keep doing it.
Why did I decide to ‘come out’? It’s time. It’s time to help some others if I can. It’s time to quit being afraid of telling.
When I saw the blog posts going up around me and then checked out Blog For Mental Health 2015, I knew it was time I started talking about my mental health too. So during this year I will be writing more posts on my depression and anxiety attacks and how I overcome them. How I can keep smiling real smiles and how I can walk out my front door without fear.
I will also be talking about the times I can’t overcome the darkness or the fear.
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”