I have to admit to feeling a bit blue lately. Ok, a lot. I do get melancholy sometimes. I think we all do.
For the past month or more, it’s been more than melancholy for me. Like many people I usually get a bit down this time of year. A bit sad, a bit reflective. My mood has been even more than that. It borders on depression.
I had depression years ago. I mean I was down that dark, deep hole of blackness so far I thought I would never crawl out.
I did crawl out, though. It took me several years, a divorce and suicidal thoughts (not necessarily in that order)….but I did it. I crawled out and never crawled back in. I’ve been close to the brink of that hole a few times. I always caught myself before I fell in.
Many people see me as a strong woman. I don’t consider myself strong. I consider myself a survivor. Plain and simple. I survived my abusive childhood. I survived a rotten first marriage to a man bent on destroying me. I survived several attempts on my life. I survived….I survive…..I am a survivor.
But, am I strong? I don’t know. Most days I don’t think so. I certainly don’t feel it.
So today, I felt the need to write down some things I’m grateful for. Something for my soul to hold on to. Something to help this emotional cripple to keep waking up every morning. I find it helps…..sometimes.
I will not fall down that black hole.
Friends. They make me smile even when I don’t feel like it. They make me think with the words that they write. They make me feel like maybe….just maybe….I’m not alone after all.
My dog Sam. He cuddles with me every night. He helps me feel like I mean something to someone, even if it’s just a small 8lb dog. Most days he’s the only other living thing that ever physically touches me.
Distractions. Books, blogs, writing, things that make me come out of my shell and look at things differently. Sometimes it helps to have a different perspective.
Optimism. Even though I’ve been staring at that deep, dark hole lately, in my heart there beats my optimism. I will be ok. Things will be ok. My life can change on a whim. It has before, it will again. Usually for the better. All things are temporary.
The holiday season. Even though I tend to get a bit down this time of year, my heart sings at all the good things that usually come out of this holiday season. The cheerful lights. The jolly Santa’s. The ever-present snowmen. The feeling in the air that things might….just might….improve. Human nature’s spirit is unquenchable. Even if this past year has been damn hard for many reasons for many people we as humans keep trying to move forward to make this a better place. The bigger the obstacles the more determined we are to overcome them.
So make your own list of small pleasures, even if it’s just in your own head and heart. It still makes a difference.