My Incomplete List of Small Pleasures ~~ Dec. 15, 2016

I have to admit to feeling a bit blue lately. Ok, a lot. I do get melancholy sometimes. I think we all do.

For the past month or more, it’s been more than melancholy for me. Like many people I usually get a bit down this time of year. A bit sad, a bit reflective. My mood has been even more than that. It borders on depression.

I had depression years ago. I mean I was down that dark, deep hole of blackness so far I thought I would never crawl out.

I did crawl out, though. It took me several years, a divorce and suicidal thoughts (not necessarily in that order)….but I did it. I crawled out and never crawled back in. I’ve been close to the brink of that hole a few times. I always caught myself before I fell in.

Many people see me as a strong woman. I don’t consider myself strong. I consider myself a survivor. Plain and simple. I survived my abusive childhood. I survived a rotten first marriage to a man bent on destroying me. I survived several attempts on my life. I survived….I survive…..I am a survivor.

But, am I strong? I don’t know. Most days I don’t think so. I certainly don’t feel it.

So today, I felt the need to write down some things I’m grateful for. Something for my soul to hold on to. Something to help this emotional cripple to keep waking up every morning. I find it helps…..sometimes.

I will not fall down that black hole.

 

The Incomplete

 

Friends. They make me smile even when I don’t feel like it. They make me think with the words that they write. They make me feel like maybe….just maybe….I’m not alone after all.

My dog Sam. He cuddles with me every night. He helps me feel like I mean something to someone, even if it’s just a small 8lb dog. Most days he’s the only other living thing that ever physically touches me.

Distractions. Books, blogs, writing, things that make me come out of my shell and look at things differently. Sometimes it helps to have a different perspective.

Optimism. Even though I’ve been staring at that deep, dark hole lately, in my heart there beats my optimism. I will be ok. Things will be ok. My life can change on a whim. It has before, it will again. Usually for the better. All things are temporary.

The holiday season. Even though I tend to get a bit down this time of year, my heart sings at all the good things that usually come out of this holiday season. The cheerful lights. The jolly Santa’s. The ever-present snowmen. The feeling in the air that things might….just might….improve. Human nature’s spirit is unquenchable. Even if this past year has been damn hard for many reasons for many people we as humans keep trying to move forward to make this a better place. The bigger the obstacles the more determined we are to overcome them.

 

So make your own list of small pleasures, even if it’s just in your own head and heart. It still makes a difference.

 

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15 thoughts on “My Incomplete List of Small Pleasures ~~ Dec. 15, 2016

  1. I think I need to do another one of these. I’ve been taking on other people’s shit right now and I am…tired.
    You are never alone as long as I am here because I love you, my friend. We are both survivors. ❤
    Did you get my email?

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    1. Thanks, Mer. It does help to list even the smallest pleasures and you have to be careful about taking on others shit. We got enough of our own. I will check my email right now as I didn’t receive it that I know of. Going now. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your post, I’m in the hole now and am trying to figure out how to get out of it. I will get there, I’ve been here before and got out before. I have survived a lot as well. keep going and never give up. That’s what we all have to do sometimes. Thank you.

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    1. The hole is a scary place but you can pull yourself out. You know how because you’ve done it before. Keep trying. If you need someone who understands you can always get in touch with me.

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  3. You are never alone my friend. You have many friends who love you, even if from some distance. And I am so happy you have Sam. These furry friends of ours are so loving and comforting. I am not my usual cheerful self now either. Many things have been happening, but I’m fine, will be. You will too. I think the darkness this time of the year doesn’t help. But try to seek the light there is, even Christmas lights where ever you can see them. Sent you an email a couple of days ago and now sending love and hugs 💖

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    1. Thank you, tiny. You are one of those friends I am grateful for. I know you would always be there for me. I’m happy I have Sam too. I don’t know what I would do without him. I read your email today, will answer very soon. I promise. Love and hugs. ❤

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  4. Lois

    Jackie, I’m sorry you are struggling so with the edges of depression. This has been a hard year for many of us and I too have been back and forth on the continuum. This week wasn’t good to start but then we got hit by some nasty weather and it kept everyone away for a few days which helped. I’m that loner who hasn’t been getting enough alone time for a while now, which is what I think led to my mood change.

    As for being a survivor, it is only the strong who will survive. So when you start to feel you aren’t strong just look at what you’ve survived thus far and realize weaker souls wouldn’t have made it, that makes you strong!

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    1. Thank you, Lois. It’s been a strange year for many. I’m sorry you are going through some things also. Sometimes I just wish there was someone who would hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Even if it’s not true. But that won’t happen, so I go on as best I can.

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  5. I wrote a comment last night but didn’t send it.. Such an honest post deserves a well thought out response. I wish I could say I have no idea what you are talking about but that would not be true. So the many of us in this world who struggle everyday as you do must keep vigil and reach out to one another. You are heard and I care. I wish I were there to help. I wish things were better. But like my dad always said, “if wishes were horses, even beggars could ride”. You have done all the right things in focusing on the good. I realize there could be more “good” in your life. It will come. Christmas is almost over and that’s the hard part. I know so many who hate this time of year because of loneliness. Keep up the good work. You are still here and there is a reason for it. If only to put words to what the rest are unwilling to say. Giant squishy hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Marlene. I usually try to keep the darker side of myself to myself but I felt the need to share as I know there are others out there struggling. I know what it feels like to feel alone in the darkness. I’m usually more private than this but I just have a hard time keeping it to myself lately. Eh, I’ll be ok. I have to be. You are a good friend. Big hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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