Posted in Blogging, Mi Vida Loca, nonfiction, postaday, Stories of my life, Wednesday Whatever!

Wednesday Whatever!

Wednesday

 

 

This week  has been a week of reflection. Today is only Wednesday so I imagine the rest of the week will be much the same.

I know I haven’t posted much this month. I took an unplanned month off of writing, of posting, of doing much of anything, really. I can’t even blame it on an active social life, as I don’t have one. All my friends are online. I don’t have anyone here that I go out for coffee with, that I go shopping with, that I just hang with. I hang with my computer, my dog Sam and sometimes the husband.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t feel as if I’m missing out. At one time I had all those things. Good friends that I had coffee with, shopped with, or just hung out with. So I know what it’s like to have all that. It might seem strange to you that I much prefer how I am now. Today. Right this minute. On my computer typing out words that my friends will read.

Do I ever get lonely? You might ask that. The short answer…No. No, I very rarely get lonely. I enjoy my solitary lifestyle. It’s not for everyone. The husband hates being alone. In fact, he gets depressed if he’s alone for too long. He enjoys people. Being with people, talking, joking, laughing, drinking, whatever he and his friends do together. He enjoys that interaction and he misses it when he doesn’t get it. He is the type of person who needs other people around, he thrives on it. Unfortunately, since he got so sick and can’t do much physically his ‘friends’ have faded into the background.

This hurts him. He doesn’t understand it.

I do. Sort of.

The past year or so has been rough. Hell, the past four years have been rough. I don’t feel sorry for myself. It has shown me just how strong I can be. That’s always a good thing.

When my mom died at the end of May it hit hard. Not because my mom and I were best friends or that we had a tight bond. We weren’t and we didn’t. My mom and I had a rocky relationship since the day I was born. That’s ok. She taught me how to be strong and how to be my own woman. I guess you could say she taught me the true meaning of ‘tough love’. It was tough to love her. But I did. I just didn’t always like her. Or her me.

A few people know I have written my autobiography. I haven’t published it. I wouldn’t publish it while my mother was still alive. Now that she’s gone? I probably still won’t publish it. Not yet. Maybe never. It’s not pretty. I’m not even sure if it would have a happy ending. Because my life is still ongoing. For now.

The writings have a lot of my mom in them. She was never the hug you, compliment you, tell you she loves you type of mother. I never heard those words from her. “I love you.” Never. Not once. My sister and I had a conversation the other week and we discussed our mother and never hearing those words from her. It bothers my sister. It doesn’t bother me. Why? Because I accept that was the kind of woman my mother was. My sister has a harder time accepting that. That’s her right. I don’t try to persuade her otherwise.

The only time I heard my mother say, “I’m sorry” was for something she never did. Which seems strange, as she did plenty. Yet, the only time I heard her apologize to me was for something that was never in her control. My sexual abuse. She never even knew about it until I was an adult. Then she had to ask me outright if I was abused by the person who abused me for years. I told her the truth. That I was. She cried and kept telling me she was sorry.

I told her she had nothing to be sorry for in that instance. It wasn’t her fault. I couldn’t tell her when I was a child and it was happening. And later. Well, what was the point of hurting her so much? So I said nothing. Until she asked me.

My mother was who she was. I am who I am. So we never mentioned it again.

So many memories surfaced when my mother died. Then I received a box from my sister this week. It was filled with memories. With pictures and items from my mother’s house. I looked at all those pictures. Some of so very long ago. Of me. My mother. My dad. And I became reflective.

I called my sister and thanked her for the pictures. As I didn’t have any before that. Not a one. The reason why is another long story I might tell some day. Again. As it’s already a part of my autobiography.  And again, it’s a story of me and my mother.

So, I guess, in a long about way, I’m saying why I took an unplanned month off from blogging. Life’s memories got in the way. Mix that in with just being tired to the bone and you have the recipe for doing nothing. Or almost nothing. For a month.

I’m catching my breath back again. With the help of my friends. Here. Now. You. I will be ok.

Thank you.

 

Posted in Mi Vida Loca, nonfiction, poetry, postaday, writing

Tumbling Thoughts ~~~ A Poem

source
source

Tumbling Thoughts

My mind tumbles here and there,
never settling on one thing
too many ideas, thoughts,
some vague, some terrifying,
many ‘what ifs’ or ‘what-nots’
how do I decide what to do?
If the mind won’t settle on one thing

I want to write, yet cannot
to read, to draw, to paint, to to to…..
not enough hours in the day
I have the ‘have to’ fighting with the ‘want to’
so neither side wins
As the mind won’t settle on one thing

The weariness goes deep into my bones
the frustration of it all
the more I wrestle with ideas
the more elusive they become
playing hide and seek within my soul
come out, come out, do not hide from me
but the mind won’t settle on one thing

I get moody, angry, even bitter
I resent the things I must do
as they take precious time away,
time I could be using for all the ideas
sliding across the slippery slopes within
I can’t get the mind to settle on one thing

I feel as time is going by too fast
that I am racing in something I cannot win
My mortality is fading as I grasp at shadows
Not yet, not yet, not yet, they whisper
maybe not ever I sigh back
as my mind won’t settle on one thing

Posted in Blog challenge, Daily Prompt, nonfiction, Uncategorized, writing

Daily Prompt: I Believe ~~ My thoughts

For today’s prompt, tell us three things that you believe in your heart to be true. Tell us three things you believe in your heart to be false.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Three things I believe to be true:

1. Our lives depend on what choices we make. Sure, some things are beyond our control. Illness (most of it), genetics, government interference. But, we all have choices to make. Our lives revolve around them. Big ones, little ones, some we never even give a thought to. With each choice there is a ripple effect that surrounds us and goes outward. So the choices we make also affect others in our lives. Unless of course you live on a deserted island without another living creature. No one ever makes the right choices all of the time. I make choices that affect me the most, selfish in a way I suppose. But I weigh those choices carefully. The major ones, the life changing ones. I weigh those choices and I try to see how my choices affect those around me I care about. Then I pick the one that would best suit me, the one that would work the best. Ah hell, who am I kidding, most of the time throughout my life I have gone with my heart choices, and you know what? It has rarely steered me wrong.

good-and-evil

2. That there are some people who are completely evil and none that are completely good. There maybe a few people who have come close to completely good, but never are. Why? Because it’s impossible to be completely good. Or maybe it’s because I have never known a completely good person. But I have met a few that were completely evil.

3. That there are ghosts or spirits around us. I know a lot of people don’t believe in them, but I certainly do. I have seen them, heard them, and even talked to them. I have one that has lived with me for years. Just because you can’t see or touch something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Three things I believe to be false:

1. That we only have one life to live. Seems pretty pointless, doesn’t it? How can we ever learn all we need to know in just one short lifespan? Impossible! I do think we need to give each life the best we can. Learn the most we can, love the hardest we can. Then and only then can each life get better.

2. That liver is good for you. Yuck! I do mean the kind people eat, not your own inside liver. Ha-ha! How can anything so nasty, that came out of an animal be good for you?? No thanks! I think my mother lied to me.

Solitue-quotes-Dont-feel-entitled-to-anything-you-didnt-sweat-and-struggle-for.

3. We as people are entitled to everything and anything we want. NO! You are not! Neither am I. Treat the world the way you would want to be treated. Treat animals and all living things with respect. That includes your fellow-man/woman. You are not entitled to anything, you earn what you get. So earn that respect. Earn that love. Earn whatever it is you want. And most importantly, teach your children to earn those things in life and not just expect the world to supply it just because they exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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