I’d like to introduce everyone to Aunt Maimie. Now, Aunt Maimie is the relative we all have in our family tree. You know the one. She’s the one that’s a bit…eccentric. A bit weird. A bit loud. A bit outspoken.

The other thing about Aunt Maimie is that you really don’t mind listening to her advice because it’s given with good intentions. Her heart is well-meaning, even if her stories sometimes go off track a bit.

Aunt Maimie is a widowed woman of undetermined age. She could be anywhere from fifty to ninety years old. All I know is she has been around forever and never seems to change much. She wears bright red lipstick. In fact, I have never seen her without her signature red lips and cat-eye shaped glasses.

She loves to tell stories. The stories all have one thing in common. Aunt Maimie. Her life. What she’s learned and is now passing on to you.

So without further ado…I give you…Aunt Maimie!

Aunt Maimie’s Unsolicited Advice on Life, Love and Other Assorted Things

Never hook up with a ‘Mama’s Boy’. Trust me on this one, my pets. Long ago when I was young and naïve I did that very same thing.

Of course, it didn’t last long. It was doomed from the start. He was also thirteen years my senior. Can you imagine? Sure, I was young and looking for adventure. I thought an older man would give me some stories to tell when I got older.

Well, he did that! Just not in  the way he nor I would have wanted. So, I’m warning you. Do NOT hook up with a Mama’s boy!

I’m not going to tell you how I got to know this man. No, no. Some things a lady should keep private. Anyway, it only lasted six months. A tiny amount of time in my life.

He took me far away from my boring life and into his boring life. I have to laugh at that one, my pets. Oh my, yes.

Now his mother was this red-headed witch of a woman. She hated me on sight. I didn’t know he lived with his mother until it was too late. So there I was, ensconced in her home and in her life and in her son’s bed.

In all honesty, she never saw us in bed. I had my own room. He had his and she had hers. As soon as she left in the mornings for work, there he was, sliding into bed with me to have his fun. Ah, I was so young. I soon learned he not only left out the odd bit of him living with his mother, he also left out the bit about him being a jackass.

You see, my pets. He was also divorced with a teenage son. Seems he left out a lot of things about himself. His son was a good kid. I met him a few times during my brief stay. I liked him more than his father. Ha!

Now back to his mother. She was a hateful woman. Full of bitterness and anger at the world. She worked as a waitress in one of the restaurants at the airport. She loved her son….I mean she worshiped the man. It was unhealthy what was between them. What made it much stranger was she had two other children. Both nice people.

This one, though, she treated differently. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it all these many years past. Ok, let’s just skip that.

This woman had the cutest little dog. A Yorkie. Tiny little thing. Never could get friendly with the animal, though. He stayed hidden away most of the time. Unless the wicked witch was home. I quickly learned the reason why. This man was mean to it! I once heard him kick the little fellow clear across the room! That’s when I decided to start making plans to leave. I never could abide a person who was mean to animals.

Over the months I was there the mother grew more and more hateful toward me. I had less and less respect for the man and his mother. We disagreed about a lot of things. The man and I. The mother wouldn’t interfere, she managed to do her damage in other ways.

I do not believe in violence, my pets. I’m a peace-loving soul. This man made me resort to violence. One time only but still….it wasn’t pleasant and I still cannot believe I did it.

You see, he called your Aunt Maimie a nasty name during one of our….um…disagreements! Yes, he did. Well now, I couldn’t stand for that. So I sort of slapped him. Granted it was with a closed hand. I didn’t even know I was going to do it. He called me that vile name and I just turned around and decked him. Didn’t realize I had it in me. The look on his face while he was holding his sore jaw was almost worth it.

But, no, no, no. I do not approve of violence to resolve your difficulties. So take heed, my pets. Don’t do what I did.

I was so bored living there I used to go out for long walks. By myself. I would walk to the stores or just around the neighborhood. Got me some good exercise, I did. One benefit of that is I became quite fit, not that I needed to, mind you. It was just something to do to get out of that house.

Now back to his mama. That woman got to the point where she refused to feed me! Yes, she did. She told her son that I was his responsibility. To either send me back where I came from or feed me himself. Now I tell you, is that any way to treat someone? No, it isn’t. So I would walk to the grocery store every few days and spend what small amount of money I had to buy me a package of bologna and a loaf of bread.

That’s pretty much what I ate for those six months. Bologna and bread! Not a diet I would recommend, my pets. No, no. I was a proud woman and refused to ask for food. I wasn’t working, there were no jobs around and believe me, I looked.

I got my revenge on the mama one day. I still laugh about it all these many years later. Small of me, I’m sure. One rare occasion, she was being pleasant and she showed me a picture of herself when she was my age. Early twenties or so. She was beautiful. I had to admit that as much as it pains me to. She had glorious red hair back then and beautiful blue eyes. I looked at that picture and looked at her sitting across from me with the bitterness showing in her face and the meanness of her soul shining in her eyes and I said……”You used to be beautiful! What happened?”

Yes, I said it out loud! Oh, my. I was so young and naïve. It just burst out of my young mouth. Ah, to be so young and innocent again.

Well, my pets, I’m sure you can guess what happened after that incident. She became my mortal enemy after that day.

As for me, I couldn’t get out of that noxious home fast enough. So with what little money I had left I bought a bus ticket out of there!

No, I didn’t go home. I went and visited a relative in another state and there my pets is a whole different story! My life was just beginning to open up to many more of its lessons.

So do what your Aunt Maimie advises and don’t hook up with a mama’s boy! It will just lead to all sorts of trouble.

Do you have any questions about life, love or other assorted things you want to ask Aunt Maimie? Please do! Aunt Maimie will answer your questions in a later post and of course give you credit! Don’t be shy. She really is harmless….sort of.