Friendships, Family, and Surreality

I’ve lived in a surreal world since my terminal cancer diagnosis. Maybe it’s the brain fog that comes with most chronic illnesses. Perhaps it’s the word, ‘terminal’ that came with it. I’m not sure.

All I know is it feels so surreal every day since. I live, yet I die a little every day. I do my day-to-day things as usual, well as normally as I can. I live by a schedule. It’s my sanity some days. That schedule is what I hold onto when things get a bit tough. It’s my normality…..my schedule…..my doing everyday things that sometimes gets me through the bad days.

I feel that if I can stick to my schedule then I’m still alive, I’m living, I’m LIVING NORMALLY.

Yet, it’s all so surreal.

Nothing will be ‘normal’ again. Nothing. Certainly not living. Every day that I’m still alive and breathing I’m winning. I’m beating the cancer, I’m beating the odds.

I have some pretty awesome friends. Most live on the other side of my computer but it doesn’t make them any less of great friends. They cheer me up and cheer me on. They email me and write me personal notes via real mail and we talk on messenger or by phone. I’m so grateful for them. They all have lives, busy and bustling yet they take time to care about me and see how I’m coping. I love my friends. I wish every one of them lived closer. Unfortunately, they don’t but we make do. I appreciate their love and concern. Their prayers, healing vibes, thoughts, juju, whatever positive they send me, I suck that shit up. Thank you, my friends. I love you all.

As for my family. I have another great support system. It’s from my family that I choose. My granddaughter, her mother, my stepkids, and my grandson. They are all from my late husband’s side of the family. Now, my family and I love them dearly. I don’t think I would have made it this far without them, especially my granddaughter and her mom. They are my rocks. They have been with me from the beginning and they will be with me until the end.

As for my biological family, my so-called “blood” family they don’t know about my cancer. I haven’t told them nor do I intend to. We aren’t close at all. In fact, I don’t even know if they are still alive either. I have three siblings. Two older and one younger, all in bad health. So, who knows. I haven’t heard from them at all since my husband died four years ago. Then it was just my older sister. She emailed me after I emailed her about my husband passing. She sent me two sentences. Nothing since.

I’ve given up on them. I’m the black sheep of the family. Which to me is so hilarious. I will let them know I’ve passed and why when it happens. I plan on writing a letter and having my granddaughter mail it after I die. I know some of you will say this is the time of forgiveness and letting things go. They are family.

Bullocks. They aren’t family in the true sense of the word. They’ve hurt me numerous times. They’ve lied about me, they’ve slandered me. I don’t forget. I don’t forgive. Some things are unforgivable in my eyes and heart.

Maybe it’s wrong of me. Maybe I’ll change my mind once my inevitable demise gets closer. Maybe. I doubt it. I’ll decide when that time comes. Until then. No. I won’t tell them. Am I wrong? I don’t know.

Surreality is settling in once again. It’s a bit strange and bemusing when it happens. When I think about actually dying. Almost knowing when. Certainly knowing how. Strange……..

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Cancer

June 18, 2023June 17, 2023 JackieP13 Comments

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

I was going to write about immunotherapy today but decided to write about how it felt emotionally when I heard the dreaded “C” word. Believe me, it’s one scary word. No one wants to hear they have cancer. NO ONE.

I had known something was wrong with me for quite a while before I was diagnosed. My stomach was swollen and hard, and my tummy got upset with anything I drank or ate. I just felt, “off”. I had visited my family doctor a few times and complained about the stomach issues and that I bruised super easy and that I had sores that wouldn’t heal. He, unfortunately, brushed it off as me being older and diabetic.

I went with that but I knew deep inside I had something else wrong with me. Cancer does run in my family so it was always in the back of my mind. I kind of just blocked it out.

When I was rushed to the ER that one fateful day, I didn’t have cancer on my mind. I thought I was having a heart attack. My blood pressure was well over 200, and I had chest pains and difficulty breathing. I was scared. Sometimes I think back on that night and wish it would have been heart problems. At least that might have been fixed.

Mesothelioma can’t be fixed. It’s incurable. It’s a death sentence.

When I was in the ER they took a CT scan of my heart, lungs, and stomach. That’s when they found the fluid buildup which was in turn causing my chest pains and breathing problems. They also knew it wasn’t a heart attack and with that kind of fluid, it was some kind of cancer. They sent me home with my promise that I would follow up with my family doctor ASAP. Which I did.

My family doctor ordered another CT scan specifically looking for masses, tumors, or what they call ascites. Ascites are really the fluid buildup around your organs. Ascites caused by cancer most often occur with advanced or recurrent cancer. An ultrasound was also ordered which I had about a week later. With that, they again look for masses or anything unusual on the organs.

Long story short, after the tests I was diagnosed with Mesothelioma. As I said in an earlier post I was devasted.

The emotions were a tidal wave at first. It’s all you can think of day and night. Oh man, the nights are the worst. I lay in bed and had so many thoughts tumble around my head. Silent tears dripped into my pillows.

I remember not ever breaking down in the doctor’s office or at the hospital. I waited until I got home and was alone. Then, oh wow, then it came. Wave after wave of emotion, one bigger and stronger than the next. I cried until I thought I had no tears left. I didn’t want to die! Why is this happening to me! Why!??? Why!??? Why!????

Then the calmness came. Gentle, almost reassuring. I remember thinking that THIS was not helping, this crying and wailing to the universe. It wouldn’t change anything. I was dying. Well, hell we are all dying. It’s just I was dying a hell of a lot sooner than I wanted to. I was dying of an ugly disease. I didn’t want to die. I still don’t.

It is what it is though. It’s going to happen. Until then though, I fight. Because that’s what I do. When I get cornered, I fight. So bring it on!

Do I still cry? Hell YES! I have my down days where I cry buckets. I was just getting used to living alone without my late husband. I was just getting used to that new normal when this new normal was shoved in my face. So, yes, I still have my days where all I seem to do is cry.

Am I scared?

Surprisingly enough, no. I’m not. I’m not afraid of dying. As a very good friend of mine said……”I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of the PROCESS of dying.” She’s right. That’s exactly how I feel. The process is an ugly, dark, and scary thing. It’s painful. So much pain. So many side effects of the strong drugs they use.

As for death itself? Not so scary. Maybe it’s because, in my heart of hearts, I know it’s not the end. It’s another beginning. A new adventure.

It’s just not one I’m in any hurry to go to.

Blogging · nonfiction

A Passing of a Wonderful Lady ~~ Kimberly Wilhelmina Floria

November 7, 2017 JackieP14 Comments

I’m so sad and sorry to find out just minutes ago that our writing friend and blogger Kim Floria of Silentlyheardonce has died. I don’t know all the details as of yet but I do know she had been in the hospital for quite a while as her lung cancer came back and I believe it spread.

Kim was a great writer and an overall nice person. I feel such sadness at her passing. I called her friend as she always had something nice to say and a way of departing wisdom. If any of you fellow bloggers know if you knew her.

She will be sadly missed here in my blogging world.

RIP Kim.

Blogging · Mi Vida Loca · nonfiction · postaday · Stories of my life

She Giggled at the Word Vagina

May 25, 2016May 25, 2016 JackieP39 Comments

**update** As of 5:40 pm mountain time today, Wednesday May 25, 2016 My mom passed away. Thank you for all your sympathy and well wishes for me and my family at this time. ❤ Good-bye Mom, I love you, tell Dad hi.

I’ve been pretty quiet since late last week. No posts, very little interacting on blogs. A couple of good friends know why. I emailed them over the weekend.

It’s been a tough time for me and going to be tougher the next little bit. It’s something I’ve expected the last few months, yet, now that the time is here….it’s almost unbearable. You see, my mom is dying. She has very little time left. We are talking hours here now, according to her doctors in Wisconsin.

I talked to her the day after Mother’s day and noticed she sounded very tired and wore out. Her sense of humor was still intact though as her and I laughed over something silly. The month before she had lost most of the use of her legs. They just gave out on her, so she was using a walker. We joked that her and my husband could have a walker race. She laughed and stated that she would win. That’s how she was. She accepted things and worked them to her advantage. She is the strongest person I know.

When I talked to my sister on Friday and she told me that mom was in the hospital and wasn’t expected to live much longer, my mind went to that last bit of silliness and that’s when the tears flowed. My mother loved life. She was a diminutive person with a larger than life personality. She IS…..She IS….soon to be WAS but not just yet.

Many of my readers know about my mom as I’ve written about her several times. We even gave her a great birthday last year when a lot of you sent her birthday cards. She was so happy when she got all those cards and recipes. I’m glad I was able to do that for her with your help. Thank you.

My mom would have turned eighty-seven in October of this year. That’s a long life. Her body is just worn out the doctors told my sister. After years of dialysis and various other illness’, her small frame could not handle any more.

I won’t be able to go and say good-bye to her. I don’t have the funds. I also have a sick husband to take care of. I feel slightly better knowing my mom and I discussed this very issue several months ago. She understood that I wouldn’t be able to come to her funeral when the time came. I have responsibilities here. She was good with it. It still hurts me. So much.

My sister and I have been talking on the phone every day since the initial call on Friday. If nothing else, this has brought her and I back together, at least for now. As many of you know, we hadn’t been on speaking terms for years. I don’t know why and this is not the time to ask. I’m just grateful for now.

She has all her funeral arrangements made and paid for. She did this right after Dad died. She’s going to be cremated and her ashes will be scattered close to where she scattered my Dad’s. She said she wanted to be close to him. My sister is going to scatter her ashes under the apple trees that dad planted shortly before he died. It’s also where there are rose bushes planted. She’d like that.

Her services will be at the Webber Hill funeral home in Wabeno, Wisconsin. Just like Dad’s. I know her and Dad will be happy to be together once more if that’s what happens in the afterlife. I like to think so. If anyone would like to send a card, please email me or contact me through my contact page and I will give you the address to send them to. Since my mom enjoyed all the wonderful birthday cards last year, I know she would get a kick out of these. My sister says she will set up a board at her services with all the cards tacked on.

As for the title of this post ‘She Giggled at the word Vagina’, there is a story to this. Years ago my dad or someone else (this part I’m fuzzy at) told her a joke about vaginas. She thought it was hilarious and she laughed and giggled. Anytime after that if someone just mentioned the word vagina she would throw up her hands and go “Oh! Hahahahahah.” She just thought the word itself was so funny and it never failed to make her giggle and laugh like a schoolgirl. It was fun to see and hear.

That’s what I remember the best….that laugh. That special laugh.