An Open Letter To My Sister

Dear Jill,

First, let me say, I love you. Our family isn’t one for expressing our feelings out loud, unless it’s anger, so I wanted to change that. I love you. I have always loved you. You are my older sister and I respect you.

We haven’t talked for a very long time. We don’t write each other, we don’t phone each other and I find that terribly sad. Some how we grew apart and I wish I could change that. I’m not sure how though. Maybe you have some ideas?

There are lots of days I miss you so much, in fact most days. I’ve tried emailing you, through Facebook, but get no response. I used to call you and leave messages, but didn’t get phone calls back. So I guess I gave up. I’m kind of ashamed that I gave up, but the non-responses hurt me and I was tired of being hurt.

I know you have a full, active life. You are married and have kids to raise, even if those kids aren’t yours. That’s one of the many things I am  so proud of about you, your caring and loving heart. Especially with kids. You were always more than ready to step up and help kids. You fostered kids for a lot of years, hard to place kids, the kids that needed a loving home desperately. You even adopted 3 of those foster kids. Now, at this stage of your life you should be living it easy, your adopted kids are all grown and off on their own now. Yet there you are raising two beautiful little girls who needed you. That’s how you are though, a good-hearted soul.

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You take care of mom too now that she’s 85 and needs some help. Well, let me amend that, you take care of mom as much as mom will let you. She is a very strong, independent woman, I’m sure that’s where we get it  from. You seem to always be taking care of someone, but that’s how your nature is and it suits you.

I remember the  two times I was ever hospitalized you were the one with me through it all. You visited me, you comforted me when I was scared and hurting. No one else in the family ever came to see me in the hospital, but you were there every day. That first time you even let me stay with you for a while, because I wasn’t supposed to stay alone, doctor’s orders. You had a full house then, small kids and a husband to take care of, but you never hesitated in letting me stay with you for a couple of weeks. I have never forgotten that. The second time I called you and told you I think I needed to go to the hospital when I had a terrible gall bladder attack. You dropped everything and took me and stayed with me throughout my emergency visit and the next day through my surgery. Again, the only family that visited me. I was much less terrified because you were there. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for that. If not, thank you sister dear.

I remember growing up we used to have such fun. Sure, we had our fights too, what siblings don’t? We shared a bedroom, till you got married and moved into your own home. That took a lot of compromise and adjusting on both our parts, sharing a room, but we did it.

You were the one Mom always told me to be more like. More studious, more helpful, more whatever. I was never like you though. We are light years apart in personalities, yet you were always the one I felt the closest too. I was the one that had a quick temper, you took forever to get mad and then all you did was cry, which made you more angry. I was the bad girl, skipped school, ran with a crowd of unruly girls, smoked. At least I never drank lol. I think we both never drank because we saw too much of it growing up.

You were the one that always dreamed of being married and having a large family. I never saw myself as married and from the beginning I never wanted kids. You babysat when you were old enough to. I buried my head in a book and kept away from most kids. You had no interest in cooking, I have cooked since an early age and have always loved it.

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So many differences, yet we always got along and damn it I miss that. I miss you.

When we were kids we comforted each other through the bad times. We laughed at stupid things. We argued over silliness. But we were always close.

I still have the small scar between my eyebrows where your fingernail dug in during one our childhood fights. I always smile when I see it. I still can’t stand anyone touching my neck with their hands because of the time I was standing in front of mom and dad’s bedroom door, not knowing you were hiding in there. You silently opened the door and scared the crap out of me when you circled my neck with your hands. I remember I was so scared all I could do was cry. At first you laughed till you saw how upset I was. Then you couldn’t apologize enough. You always felt bad afterwards for scaring me so much.

Maybe it is my fault we drifted so far apart. I’m sure it was. I moved away from home many years ago, had my own life to live, had my own problems to deal with. I moved around a lot during my years away. You moved to Townsend and there you stayed. I married and you were there for the first one. You were there again when I divorced. By the time I remarried problems arose between us and since then things have not gotten better. I regret that. I truly do.

So this letter is for you Jill, my dear sister, my only sister. You may never get a chance to read it. But it will be here, on the internet, floating around. So maybe one day you can capture it, read it and know how much your little sister loves you and wishes only the best for you, as you deserve only the best.

Love Always,

Jackie

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29 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Sister

  1. I feel your heartache, Jackie. I have a brother (not like a sister) who has not spoken to any family member since 1999. I’ve tried, like you, everything to find him and connect. Found his picture with his grown daughter on her Facebook page with her new married name. Sent a message, no response. Even gave her my blog address. I guess just because we come from the same broken family, doesn’t mean he wants to be my friend. People are so funny about holding on to bad feelings. Not me. I wish you well in reconnecting. If you don’t, you know you did everything you could.

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    1. It’s true what you said Marlene, even though we come from the same broken family doesn’t mean we can be friends now. It is what it is and yes I have done all I could. Thank you. big hugs my friend.

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  2. Jackie, you broke my heart with your letter. I hope your sister finds this one day and reads it and I hope the two of you reconnect sooner rather than later.

    I’ve never had a relationship like yours. I wish I did. I have three sisters and five brothers but I didn’t get to grow up with any of them. I tried to form bonds with several of them as an adult but its not the same as a person you’ve known through childhood.

    we may have life long friends but I don’t believe they can ever replace a sibling bond. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks Lois. It must have been hard growing up without your siblings. And unjust I think. You are right though, trying to form bonds as grown ups is difficult, especially if you didn’t grow up with them. It’s hard enough without that in the equation. Big hugs my friend. ❤

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  3. This is a wonderful letter, a testimony of who you have become. I’m proud to be your friend! It breaks my heart though that things are as they are. But don’t lose hope, one day maybe you two will reunite, hug and talk, both from your hearts. A BIG hug to you, my friend ❤

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  4. I loved this letter! I read it all the way through and I pray you sis reads it! It sounds like she is a giver in times of crisis. Some people can only be there when they feel really needed. I had a friend like that. She was a rainy day weathered friend in reverse. She’d be the first in line to hold the umbrella for you, but couldn’t deal in the sunshine. It was strange.
    My sister and I are cordial, she was in an accident when she was 14 and got into drugs later, her brain damage and drug use did not do well together. I dealt with so many of her outbursts of rage that I finally had to back away. I love her and she remembers everything I do as a kid so we have good childhood memories, and we love each other. She would like a relationship, but I will always have a wall up to protect myself. Too many times burned, I just stopped trying. I will pray your sis sees this letter. It really is a great one!

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes, I think you are right in that my sis is a person who needs to be needed. She is taking care of our mom now. I live to far away to help.
      I hope you and your sis find better times. I understand about the wall though.

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  6. It brought tears to my eye’s Jackie! reminded me of my sister and myself, she the oldest but she’s turned evil and Drinks…I had to break away from her….maybe one day we’ll speak again, but I doubt it! ((hugs)) T.

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    1. One can’t pick their family I have found. But some good friends are closer than family to me. Sorry about your sister. My brothers are like that. We never talk. Thanks for reading this and understanding. Hugs!

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  7. I was looking for some ideas on how to write an amends letter to my 3 sisters each one. I came across your letter to your sister. I appreciate it. I hope she reads it and responds to it. Let us know when this comes fruition. Thanks.

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  8. Shreya

    Hi Jackie.. Loved ur letter.. U hope ur sis reads it. I had visited my sister in england and flew back to India 3/days back now i miss her like hell it’s weird but its a heavy feeling.. Would do anything so that both of us could live nearby but damn this immigration policies..but am thankful to god that he gave me enough money that I can just fly down n meet her if I really want to see her. Now we will see each other only in 2019 a long time right but then there is what’s app n face time.. A sister is like a friend I really hope u reconcile with ur sister soon.. Love u

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