Hello from the dark side, my friends. September was a hell of a month. It was probably the worst one so far in my cancer journey. I’m sure there will be others down the road but whew! I’m sure glad this one is over with.
Between open sores on both legs and feet, a bout of food poisoning, and overall a feeling of being a big pile of steaming shit it was pure hell. I made it through alive and for that I’m happy. I had a few doubts a couple of times. Like I’ve said before, this dying business is hard work.
I’ve been back to the cancer doctor’s office a couple of times in September for the sores on my legs and feet. They are a wonderful, caring team and I’m sure glad they are on my side. I was put back on prednisone for a month and right away a lot of the pain went away (thank goodness). I still have some nasty-looking open sores that weep but slowly they are healing. Slowly is the operative word here. Between the cancer and the diabetes, I do heal very, very slowly.
They welcome questions and give thorough formed answers. If they don’t know the answer, they tell me and they find the answers the best that they can. They run lots of blood tests. I joke sometimes that the lab at the hospital has more of my blood than I do. Ha!
As they were treating my legs they took a couple of biopsies as the doctor thought something else might be going on with them. I might have a previous unknown autoimmune disorder and/or a blood clotting issue as just from a couple of small biopsies I bleed way too much for their satisfaction. So, back to the lab for more blood tests. They haven’t gotten the complete labs back on the blood clotting yet or the biopsies as according to the doctor, “things were a bit more complicated than expected.” Whatever the hell that means. Eh, I’m a complicated woman it seems.
I would really like to be a little less complicated, please. Thank you. 🙂
As for taking chemo, which it seems is my last resort as I didn’t do well on immunotherapy, I’m still debating on it. I know in my last post I said I wouldn’t take chemo and at the time I meant it. I was also dealing with a whole lot of pain, and very little sleep and made my decision based on that.
At this time, I’m not taking chemo entirely off the table. Yet. Some conditions will have to be met before I do. It’s my decision to take it or not, they can’t make me. Cancer is a nasty, complicated disease. It takes and takes and still wants more. I want to give it my best fight. I really do. I’m not ready to give up. I’m stubborn and I’m mad as hell. I still sometimes question, “Why me?” Then I keep moving forward the best I can.
Chemo scares me. It does. It could go bad easily. Or, it could work for a while. It’s the damn side effects that scare me the most. I’ve heard so many horror stories. So, yeah, I’m scared.
If they will agree to give me the lowest dose possible in the beginning I might agree. The thing is this…..my body does not and never has processed medicines the same as most people. I don’t tolerate the usual ‘adult’ dose. Hell, sometimes I barely tolerate the kid dose. So, if they give me the usual adult dose of chemo drugs I’m truly terrified it will kill me quicker than the cancer will.
Without the chemo, who knows how long I might have left. I don’t think they even know for sure. In fact, I’m sure they don’t know. Mesothelioma is so rare in women that they don’t have enough data to say for sure about anything dealing with a woman with it. In fact, I asked my cancer doctor how many women he treated with this type of cancer in his long career. He said two, maybe three, and none of them did well with immunotherapy. He never said how they did with chemo. Interesting I think. They just don’t know.
In essence, I haven’t given up on chemo completely. I still don’t know. I have another CT scan at the end of October. That will show us if the cancer is spreading, staying steady, or backtracking. I will make up my mind then.
Oh, one more bit of news I wanted to share. I am now a Canadian citizen! (for those that don’t know it already.) I have wanted to become a Canadian citizen for many years, even before my husband died but it just didn’t happen. Now I am one! Yay me!
I have dual citizenship now. USA and Canada. I feel so accomplished! 🙂
The Last Chapter 
My heart goes out to you Jackie. I have you in my prayers, and with your strength, I hope there’s some light when the scans come back. You need to do what you feel is right for you. ❤ And,congrats again my fella Canadian chica. 🙂 xx
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Thank you, Deb. I’m fighting the good fight. It’s all I can do for now. Thank you for all you do. It means a lot. ❤
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Huge hugs to you my friend. ❤ xx
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Congrats on your Canadian citizenship, Jackie…I hadn’t heard of Mesothelioma before you unfortunately my friend’s husband has Mesothelioma the immunotherapy didn’t work for him either but the chemo isn’t an option as it’s being particularly aggressive on the lighter side my dear friend Rosie is riddled with cancer was given a few weeks at best and has since with no further treatment seen 2 birthdays and from being completely bedridden can now get around in a super duper wheelchair…so miracles do happen I hope you enjoy a miracle too, Jackie 🙂 x
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Thank you, Carol. Mesothelioma is a strange cancer. It is considered more of a ‘man’s’ cancer. Any kind is bad news. Miracles do happen, yes, I have to agree with you. 🙂
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Nothing is easy, Jackie. Because they are “Practicing” on you, no one has any idea of what will work. I’m also having odd issues that I don’t tell anyone about. The lymph node they took out has some residual affects no one mentioned. I’m more fatigued than I have ever been and keep trying to bluster my way through. No one is holding you to any decision you made at the beginning of this journey. You are doing the best you can with the information they give you. I can guarantee they don’t give you all of it. We will wing it the best we can. You want quality more than quantity. I’m pretty sure you have all your affairs in order now and just enjoy what you can. Chemo, cancer and diabetes are not friends. You get to complain and be angry about all of this. I’m here to hear you. Always here sending hugs through that invisible wire. And people don’t believe in magic! Crazy, isn’t it.
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Nope, nothing is easy. I’ll let them practice on me to a degree, then I will have to do what I feel is right for me. I usually do. Everyone is different, Marlene. They can’t group us all in a bunch. I mean they can to a degree but then our own bodies make decisions. Like yours does with your lymph node, mine does with how my cancer does. It’s a crap shoot when all is said and done. Yes, I have all my affairs in order for the most points. There are still a few things for me to do, just for my own satisfaction. You know, Marlene, I feel those hugs you send me! Thank you and hugs back! Magic is, well, magic! Here’s to invisible wires and magic! ❤
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