Category: Humor

Blogging · Humor · Mi Vida Loca · nonfiction · postaday · Wednesday Whatever!

Wednesday Whatever! (This post will contain TMI on me, so be warned)

JackieP24 Comments

Hello, People! I’m trying to get my life back to normal again. Well, as normal as I’ll ever be, which seems to change with the wind. So it is, so it will ever be.

Today’s post is going to be a TMI post but in a fun way (I hope). My friend (who goes by many names) did a post called ‘The Slightly TMI List of Questions‘. She’s a funny lady and I love her muchly so I thought I would steal the post from her and do my own.

Wednesday

 

Are you ready? And off we go………..

 

1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers?

I would have to say boxer shorts. I like using my imagination…….

2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing?  

I’m old….so white it is. Yeah, boring right?

3 – How long have you been wearing them for?

I could lie and say for a week and gross you all out….but I won’t. ha! Since I got dressed, about an hour ago.

4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people?

I don’t own any binoculars (note to self…get a pair of binoculars). If I DID own a pair I don’t think I would watch people with them. I prefer nature. You know, birds and animals and such. People I watch anyway, just with my regular old eyes. People are such strange creatures……

5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin?

Yes, I have. It was kind of accidently on purpose.

6 – Would you pull a trigger?

Yes, and I have a few times. At targets. Now if you had asked ‘would you pull a trigger at somebody’ the answer would be the same. Yes. I have a couple of times. Don’t worry, I never hit them. Just needed to scare them a bit. Which I did. If I wouldn’t have, I would in all probability not be here today so my conscious is clear.

7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you?

I’m not even sure if I have a favorite celebrity. So it’s a maybe. Eh, who knows.

8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)?

Sure, lots of times. Haven’t most of us?

9 – Have you had one-night-stands?

Yes, I have. Hey, you don’t get to be this age and not experiment or have a life, right? Right!

10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger?

Short answer….no. I’m at that age where I know sex isn’t that important anymore. Companionship, friendship, and communication have become more important. You’ll get there one day, my friends. Wait and see.

11 – Have you ever eaten a worm?

Not that I know of. But saying that, I cannot say for sure, as I used to drink Tequila. 😉 Who knows if I did or didn’t while doing so.

12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Liver! That is the nastiest thing. Ugh. Now I’ve eaten grasshoppers, bees, ants, snake and assorted other creatures, but liver of any kind is just nasty.

13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet?

Have I mentioned that I’m old? So I have spent way too much time on the toilet than I should have to.

14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)?

I don’t read, text or anything like that. I sometimes come up with story lines, though. Well, I did warn you guys that there will be TMI. ha!

15 – Have you ever been peed at?

Anyone who has ever changed a diaper of a little boy has been peed at. I don’t have kids but I’ve babysat them. I’ve also been peed at by dogs when they get too excited. So yeah, I have.

16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed?

Oysters. I swear it’s like swollowing snot. Ugh. Or liver….again.

17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home?

My friend said cat box and I have to agree with her. I have two huge cats. So yeah, I would say the cat box.

18 – Why don’t you clean it?

Why don’t you clean it! Sorry…..got a bit defensive there….. um, I DO clean it. Every day. They like to come in right after I’m done and do their thing. Sigh…..it’s never ending because they are cats.

19 – Do you eat your boogers?

Really? You had to go there? I don’t eat them. Eck. I knew a kid in school who used to. He would sit in class all day and munch down. He didn’t have any friends. Kids are like that.

20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag?

I have a very strong stomach. It would take something major to make me gag. I’m sitting here thinking, give me a minute……. Ok, all I get is rubbing alcohol. It doesn’t really make me gag, it’s more like a rolling of the stomach and a faint feeling. Yeah, I’m weird.

21 – Have you ever had head lice?

No. Even in school. Most of the kids would get them but I never did. Believe me, my mom checked.

22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone?

Yes, too often.

23 – Have you ever been scared of someone?

Yes, I have. When you look in the eyes of stone cold killer, you tend to get scared.

24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about?

I had to really go back a ways on this one. Way back. I came up with…nothing. Even when I was young, I never got that drunk that I didn’t know what I was doing. I might not have cared if I did it, but I never did anything I was ashamed about. I like being in control.

25 – Have you tried pole dancing?

No. If I was younger and more in shape I might as I’ve heard it’s good exercise. Plus have you ever seen what those people can do on one of those poles? They are fantastic!

 

26 – Have you been in a strip club?

Yes and I have never seen the fascination with them.

27 – Have you ever run over an animal?

Yeah, I did once. Even though it was a skunk I felt terrible for days.

28 – Have you ever peed in snow?

I don’t remember ever doing so. So I’m going with no.

29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it?

Once. I did that in grade school. Felt bad about it and tried not to do it again. Unfortunately, I probably did do it again. Sigh, I’m bad.

30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)?

Never played the game.

31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him?

I don’t believe the father of my best friend is alive anymore. Well, I know one isn’t. The other best friend is almost my age and her father is very old. Doubt it would happen.

32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age?

I had to laugh at this one. Half my age? If I wasn’t married. Maybe. haha! Double my age? Not unless I’m into dating dead guys. As believe me they would be way dead!

33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth?

I don’t clean it no. I do however rinse it out….because ewwwwww.

34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink?

Ugh, no!

35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards?

Oh gods, yeah I have. Like my friend’s answer, my ex used to do snuff. Now that is some nasty crap. Also, I never liked beer, so any guy that was drinking beer. Ugh.

36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it?

Well, right now, my number one goal in life is to live, so yeah, I’m living it. hahahaha

37 – Do you spy on your neighbor(s)? If yes, why?

I wouldn’t call it spying. More like an interested bystander. Yeah, that’s so much classier than ‘spy’. Why? Because people are weird.

38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain?

Yes to both. I’ve cried in the rain when my heart was broken and it just happened to be raining and I was outside. I danced in the rain because I could.

39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)?

Yes, because I am an introvert and I need to recharge. When I used to work outside the home I would take a day here and there and just enjoy the silence and be at peace for a little while.

40 – What do you wish you were doing right now (uncensored)?

Right now? I wish I was talking to mom on the phone and telling her I love her. Since I will never be able to do that again, I wish I was in the forest taking a long walk with nature and enjoying the sounds of it, the smell of it, the peacefulness of it.

Or I was sitting watching and listening to a violent thunderstorm.

 

 

 

There you have it folks. If you want to do this let me know and link up! If not, I understand. Love you guys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comic ~ Sam and Me · Humor · nonfiction · postaday

Sam and Me Comic

JackieP18 Comments

Hello, people! It’s been a long time since I did a Sam and Me comic, so I thought I would do one today.

As many of you know, I won a dog house built by Damon Bennett of the DIY network on tv! Well, a few weeks ago (actually more like last month) I got some help in getting it in the backyard.

It weights about 500 lbs and is almost five feet tall at its peak. Well, needless to say, Sam is not exactly thrilled with it. Can you say ‘spoiled’? haha! I have to admit, I knew Sam wouldn’t go in it much as he’s strictly an inside dog. So it was fun to make a little comic about it. Hope you enjoy!

 

(c) JLPhillips 2016
(c) JLPhillips 2016

 

 

This is what the dog house looks like in real life.

Built by Damon Bennett!

 

 

 

Humor · nonfiction · postaday · Wednesday Whatever! · Word Fun

Wednesday Whatever!

JackieP19 Comments

It’s been a bit of a weird and busy week for me. So today to relax I’m going to show you some more weird and wonderful words.

I love old or barely known words. They fascinate me for some reason. So today I’ll show you some I’ve come across in my research. Hope you enjoy!

 

Wednesday

 

A: argle-bargle……copious but meaningless talk or writing (sort of like some of my stories!)

B: borborygmus……a rumbling or gurgling noise in the intestines (now when I get those rumblings in the tummy, instead of saying I’m hungry, I’ll just tell people “don’t worry, it’s just a borborygmus!)

C: chiliad……..a thousand things or a thousand years (never in a chiliad would I have guessed that!)

D: doryphore………a pedantic and annoyingly persistent critic of others (I’m looking at you, D. Trump!)

E: ecdysiast……..a striptease performer (I’m not sure what to say…we all got to make a living.)

F: futz…….to waste time or busy oneself aimlessly (I do tend to futz a lot.)

G: gasconade……….extravagant boasting (I do not gasconade when I talk about myself. Much.)

H: habile……deft or skilful (I am habile in wasting time. ha!)

I: incunabula……books printed before 1501 (books is much easier to say!)

J: jumentous…….resembling horse’s urine (now wouldn’t this be fun as an insult! “you are jumentous, my good sir!” ha!)

K: karateka…..a person who performs karate

L: logomachy…….an argument about words (we could have a logomachy about this post if we wanted, but we won’t)

M: mouse potato……..a person who spends large amounts of their leisure or working time on a computer (I didn’t know they had a word(s) for what I do every day!)

N: nugacity……..triviality or frivolity (like this post!)

O: onolatry……..the worship of donkeys or asses (now I know a few people who worship themselves and they are asses….)

P: pother………a commotion or fuss (I’m sure there will be no pother about this post!)

R: rawky…………foggy, damp, and cold (it was rawky here this morning!)

S: suedehead…….a youth like a skinhead but with slightly longer hair and smarter clothes (I just thought this was funny)

T: triskaidekaphobia……extreme superstition about the number thirteen (I knew someone who had this. I just called her weird.)

U: umbriferous…….shady

V: velleity………a wish or inclination which is not strong enough to lead one to take action (I have a velleity to vacuum.)

W: wabbit……..exhausted or slightly unwell (and here I thought it was Elmer’s way of talking about Bugs!)

Z: zopissa…….a medicinal preparation made from wax and pitch scraped from the sides of ships (oh I bet that was beneficial!)

 

There you have it, folks. If anyone can add-on with words of your own, please go ahead! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blogging · Fiction · Humor · postaday · Wednesday Whatever!

Wednesday Whatever!

JackieP23 Comments

I’d like to introduce everyone to Aunt Maimie. Now, Aunt Maimie is the relative we all have in our family tree. You know the one. She’s the one that’s a bit…eccentric. A bit weird. A bit loud. A bit outspoken.

The other thing about Aunt Maimie is that you really don’t mind listening to her advice because it’s given with good intentions. Her heart is well-meaning, even if her stories sometimes go off track a bit.

Aunt Maimie is a widowed woman of undetermined age. She could be anywhere from fifty to ninety years old. All I know is she has been around forever and never seems to change much. She wears bright red lipstick. In fact, I have never seen her without her signature red lips and cat-eye shaped glasses.

She loves to tell stories. The stories all have one thing in common. Aunt Maimie. Her life. What she’s learned and is now passing on to you.

So without further ado…I give you…Aunt Maimie!

 

Aunt Maime's

 

Aunt Maimie’s Unsolicited Advice on Life, Love and Other Assorted Things

 

Never hook up with a ‘Mama’s Boy’. Trust me on this one, my pets. Long ago when I was young and naïve I did that very same thing.

Of course, it didn’t last long. It was doomed from the start. He was also thirteen years my senior. Can you imagine? Sure, I was young and looking for adventure. I thought an older man would give me some stories to tell when I got older.

Well, he did that! Just not in  the way he nor I would have wanted. So, I’m warning you. Do NOT hook up with a Mama’s boy!

I’m not going to tell you how I got to know this man. No, no. Some things a lady should keep private. Anyway, it only lasted six months. A tiny amount of time in my life.

He took me far away from my boring life and into his boring life. I have to laugh at that one, my pets. Oh my, yes.

Now his mother was this red-headed witch of a woman. She hated me on sight. I didn’t know he lived with his mother until it was too late. So there I was, ensconced in her home and in her life and in her son’s bed.

In all honesty, she never saw us in bed. I had my own room. He had his and she had hers. As soon as she left in the mornings for work, there he was, sliding into bed with me to have his fun. Ah, I was so young. I soon learned he not only left out the odd bit of him living with his mother, he also left out the bit about him being a jackass.

You see, my pets. He was also divorced with a teenage son. Seems he left out a lot of things about himself. His son was a good kid. I met him a few times during my brief stay. I liked him more than his father. Ha!

Now back to his mother. She was a hateful woman. Full of bitterness and anger at the world. She worked as a waitress in one of the restaurants at the airport. She loved her son….I mean she worshiped the man. It was unhealthy what was between them. What made it much stranger was she had two other children. Both nice people.

This one, though, she treated differently. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it all these many years past. Ok, let’s just skip that.

This woman had the cutest little dog. A Yorkie. Tiny little thing. Never could get friendly with the animal, though. He stayed hidden away most of the time. Unless the wicked witch was home. I quickly learned the reason why. This man was mean to it! I once heard him kick the little fellow clear across the room! That’s when I decided to start making plans to leave. I never could abide a person who was mean to animals.

Over the months I was there the mother grew more and more hateful toward me. I had less and less respect for the man and his mother. We disagreed about a lot of things. The man and I. The mother wouldn’t interfere, she managed to do her damage in other ways.

I do not believe in violence, my pets. I’m a peace-loving soul. This man made me resort to violence. One time only but still….it wasn’t pleasant and I still cannot believe I did it.

You see, he called your Aunt Maimie a nasty name during one of our….um…disagreements! Yes, he did. Well now, I couldn’t stand for that. So I sort of slapped him. Granted it was with a closed hand. I didn’t even know I was going to do it. He called me that vile name and I just turned around and decked him. Didn’t realize I had it in me. The look on his face while he was holding his sore jaw was almost worth it.

But, no, no, no. I do not approve of violence to resolve your difficulties. So take heed, my pets. Don’t do what I did.

I was so bored living there I used to go out for long walks. By myself. I would walk to the stores or just around the neighborhood. Got me some good exercise, I did. One benefit of that is I became quite fit, not that I needed to, mind you. It was just something to do to get out of that house.

Now back to his mama. That woman got to the point where she refused to feed me! Yes, she did. She told her son that I was his responsibility. To either send me back where I came from or feed me himself. Now I tell you, is that any way to treat someone? No, it isn’t. So I would walk to the grocery store every few days and spend what small amount of money I had to buy me a package of bologna and a loaf of bread.

That’s pretty much what I ate for those six months. Bologna and bread! Not a diet I would recommend, my pets. No, no. I was a proud woman and refused to ask for food. I wasn’t working, there were no jobs around and believe me, I looked.

I got my revenge on the mama one day. I still laugh about it all these many years later. Small of me, I’m sure. One rare occasion, she was being pleasant and she showed me a picture of herself when she was my age. Early twenties or so. She was beautiful. I had to admit that as much as it pains me to. She had glorious red hair back then and beautiful blue eyes. I looked at that picture and looked at her sitting across from me with the bitterness showing in her face and the meanness of her soul shining in her eyes and I said……”You used to be beautiful! What happened?”

Yes, I said it out loud! Oh, my. I was so young and naïve. It just burst out of my young mouth. Ah, to be so young and innocent again.

Well, my pets, I’m sure you can guess what happened after that incident. She became my mortal enemy after that day.

As for me, I couldn’t get out of that noxious home fast enough. So with what little money I had left I bought a bus ticket out of there!

No, I didn’t go home. I went and visited a relative in another state and there my pets is a whole different story! My life was just beginning to open up to many more of its lessons.

So do what your Aunt Maimie advises and don’t hook up with a mama’s boy! It will just lead to all sorts of trouble.

 

 

 

Do you have any questions about life, love or other assorted things you want to ask Aunt Maimie? Please do! Aunt Maimie will answer your questions in a later post and of course give you credit! Don’t be shy. She really is harmless….sort of.