The Nightlife is Not the Life for Me

If you think this post is going to be about the nightlife where I party…well you will be disappointed.

It’s about sleep or the lack of in my case. Let me set the scene for you.

The husband and I are at the age where we like our sleep at night. Because of his severe back problems we set up his bed in the living room. Yes, not the prettiest living room decor but it is what it has to be.

He loves his TV. He watches it all the time. For him, it has to be on twenty-four hours a day. Even when he sleeps.

Now me, I must have a quiet semi-dark room to sleep. I have never been able to sleep with a TV or radio on. As I grow older it gets worse. I hate noise at night except the white noise of my fan. This is the only way I can sleep.

My bedroom is right off the living room. I keep my door closed and he turns down his TV to the lowest he can have it and still hear it. Now, have I told you he is also going deaf? Yes, unfortunately, he is. He wears two hearing aids which help a lot.

Now, for the most part, the TV is not the problem.  I’ve kind of gotten used to it. Although I must admit, the odd times the power goes off and the TV is quiet, I rejoice inside. Don’t tell the husband.

Ok, back to my story. The husband is on super strong pain medication and he takes sleeping pills at night. Two of them. Most times he sleeps for about an hour or two then he is up and down all night. And here lies my problem.

As he is awake off and on all night he snacks later at night. I don’t mind that, as he needs to gain weight and if he wants to eat at 1 am, who am I to tell him no? The only rule we have is no using the stove. (he sometimes forgets to turn it off. Danger!) So he raids the refrigerator and eats like a teenager. In fact, he lives sort of like a teenager. He sleeps most of the day and eats in the middle of the night, and waits for me to clean up after him.

So, what am I complaining about then, you ask? This was last night….

I’m all comfy in my bed with Sam (my dog) at my side and just drifting off to sleep when…

*crinkle, crinkle, CRINKLE!*

My eyes pop open as I wonder what the hell that noise is. I hear it again…

*crinkle, CRINKLE, CRIIINNNKLEEE*

After hearing it again I finally figure out it is the husband eating potato chips in bed and it’s the noise of the bag.

I shake my head and close my eyes and just start to go into a sweet slumber when I hear…..

 *bang! rrrrrrrrrrrrr, ding, ding, ding!*

The husband running the microwave for his snacks. No problem, I hear it most nights so I close my eyes again.

*clink, clink, clink* 

*crinkle, crinkle*

*clink, clink, CLINK!*

Eyes popping open, again.

*clink, CLINK, clink*

I finally figure out it’s the husband eating and is the sound of his fork hitting the plate, plus the potato chip bag. Rather damn loud too. Sighhhhh.

I swear under my breath and look at the clock, 2 am. I was asleep for all of half an hour. I’m tired so I close my eyes and snuggle down into my pillows.

Sleep, sweet sleep. Finally. My eyes pop open and I sit up in bed in a flash as I hear someone shouting…….

*BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH, BLEEP, BLEEP!!!*

I almost leaped out of my skin. It was so loud it sounded right next to me. It wasn’t. It was the TV. The husband fell asleep and turned over on the TV remote and turned it up very high. He turned it down before I went into the living room like a raging harpy and threw the remote and the TV out the door. Lucky him.

My heart slowed down and I looked at the clock and frowned, 2:34 am. I was so tired!

I get up to go to the bathroom as my bladder has decided since I was awake now anyway, why not empty it. I grumble as I do my bladder’s bidding and think if I am woken up one more time, the husband won’t need sleeping pills as I will put him to sleep myself. The hard way.

I crawl back into bed and close my eyes once more. A deep sigh escapes as I drift off into dreamland. Finally. Hopefully.

As I write this, the husband is sound asleep and I think it’s time to do some vacuuming.

 

 

 

(This post was done for WordPress’s Daily Prompt Later and yes, it’s all true.)

 

 

 

Wednesday Whatever! Jan. 11, 2017

I’m going to tell you a true story. It’s a bit funny, a little sad, and a slice of my life as it is now.

It deals with the husband. Many of you know of him. I write about him sometimes. He’s had his share of hard times the last few years. Debilitating back pain, colon cancer and all that comes with battling that. Now we find out he has cataracts, in both eyes.

He is dealing with it all like a trooper. The man is strong in many ways.

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But…..sometimes our life is like a comic skit. A dark one, maybe, but a bit of dark humor never hurt anyone.

It happened one day last week. The morning started well enough. I mean, I managed to get up out of bed. I always figure that’s a good start to any day. I have a routine in the mornings. It helps to have a routine when you are still half asleep and need to do certain things first thing in the mornings.

I dole out the husband’s daily pills. So, I count out his pills and walk out to the living room where he is still sleeping. I put his pills in his daily pill container and still half asleep go to make my first, much-needed cup of coffee. Didn’t really look at the husband as he was buried under his blankets. Usual morning.

I grab my cup of coffee and head down the hallway to my home office. After firing up my computer I do what I normally do every day. I check out WordPress, briefly bring up Facebook, and then go into my emails. Same old, same old.

About an hour later I finally hear the husband’s shuffling feet coming down the hallway to his bathroom. Again, same old stuff. A few minutes later I hear him coming towards me. Probably just to say good morning. Ok. No problem.

He stops in the doorway, as our two fat cats have decided to lay in the open doorway and believe me, you can’t walk over both of them. They take up too much room. He stands there and starts talking to me. I only listen with half an ear because…well, I only had one cup of coffee and I’m reading….and well, ok, sometimes I’m a terrible wife.

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I glance over at him briefly when he asks me a question. Just a quick look. Then I do a double take. I sit back in my chair, grab my glasses to put on for a better look…..and ask him….What the hell did you do to your face!?

His face ….. it was cherry red with what suspiciously looked like hives! It looked terrible. I mean, really, it looked like it should hurt like hell.

This is pretty close to how our conversation went……..

“What the hell happened to your face?”

” Why?” (Rubs his face and grimaces)

“It’s red! And terrible looking! I also think you have hives!”

(Rubs his face again and looks at his hand) “Really? Must be from that cream you gave me.”

“I didn’t give you any cream.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Nope, I didn’t. So what cream are we talking about?”

“The cream you gave me. It was on my shelf.” (He has a shelf next to his bed where he keeps all his stuff.)

“I didn’t give you any cream!”

“You must have. Why would I have it then?”

“Why would I give you cream? I would remember if I gave you any cream and I don’t so I didn’t.”

“Then, why do I have it?”

Well, I had to admit that one had me stumped. So I get out of my nice warm, comfy office chair and say……

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“Show me this cream.”

We both shuffle back down the hallway to the living room where his bed and shelf are. And where this baffling, notorious, cream is. He digs around his shelf and triumphantly hands me this small tube that I swear I have never seen in my life!

As I’m trying to read the small print on this small tube I hear him say…..

“See! You gave me this moisturizing cream, so I used it last night on my face because my face felt dry.”

“I have never seen this tube before.” I murmur as I try to read the small print. When I read what it says I start to laugh.

“This isn’t moisturizing cream…..it’s shower gel.”

“Then why did you give it to me?”

“I didn’t give it to you! I would remember and I don’t, so I didn’t give it to you!”

“Then why do I have it?”

I just sigh and look at his poor face. I don’t know why he has it. It’s not something I would ever buy.

“Did you not read the tube before you used it?”

“I couldn’t make out what it said. I just assumed since you gave it to me that it was moisturizing cream. So I used it all over my face in the middle of the night and then went back to sleep.”

“Well, it’s shower gel. A cheap gel and obviously you are allergic to it.”

He uses his forefinger to scratch at a hive.

“Don’t scratch it! Go splash some warm water over your face to make sure the gel is all off. Don’t rub your face dry, pat it dry. You don’t want to irritate those hives.”

“Why would you give me shower gel?”

I grit my teeth and say, “I. Didn’t. Give. It. To. You.”

He goes slowly towards his bathroom, mumbling….”Well, I don’t know who else would give it to me. Had to be you.”

I just shake my head, throw the tube in the trash and give up the battle. We could go on for hours.

I get him a Benadryl for the itching and send him to the pharmacist to see if they had anything for the hives. They tell him just to keep taking the Benadryl and to use a cream they sold him for the itching.

He was miserable for a couple of days. I still don’t know where the cream came from. I have my suspicions but I gave up that particular battle. I did tell him to please…PLEASE….show me anything he wants to use or take before he does so I know it’s ok.

Welcome to my world……..

 

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News, Updates and a Christmas Question

Hello, People!

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First the news and updates. The husband and I have been doing the doctor rounds again. Nothing serious! Just his six-month cancer checkup and trying to get him some help for his back pain.

Good news….he is now officially cancer free and in complete remission! He has had a CT scan and a few months ago he had another colonoscopy and it showed him completely cancer free. Whew! That was a relief I can tell you. I know he was worried about it. Who wouldn’t be?

The husband has arthritis on the spine with the added complication of a number of spurs there too. We have been trying for years to get him more help for the immense pain he is constantly in. Yesterday we finally were able to get in to see a specialist for this. With the combined efforts of his general MD and help from a home care nurse, we got an appointment with this specialist yesterday.

It was almost an all day affair but it’s something we got used to this last year with his cancer. First off to the hospital lab for blood work, then to X-rays for….well, x-rays, then finally in to see the specialist. He asked a million questions, examined the husband and asked me a million more questions. Bottom line….the doctor wasn’t sure if he could help the husband. He ordered a more invasive x-ray done of the spine with a special dye and then we go back to see the specialist in about a month.

So, the husband is still on strong pain meds (which were prescribed even stronger) and we won’t know if any other procedures or meds will help his situation for another month.

It’s a beginning though and we are grateful for that!

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Now for the Christmas question.

I wanted to know who would like a Christmas card? A real, paper, Christmas card showing up via snail mail?

I am going to be making out my cards this weekend and wanted to know if any of my new friends and readers would like me to add them to my list? I have a number of you from the year before last when I started my list for Christmas cards but I know some of you have moved and a few of you are new(ish) to my blog.

Let me know in the comments if you would like a card and I’d be more than happy to send you one!

Me, personally, I LOVE getting things in the mail. It makes my whole day when I do!

If you would like one from me, Sam and the gang just let me know and I’ll contact you for your address! Also, if you’d like to send me one and don’t have my address, let me know that too and I’ll send you my address!

I didn’t do this much last year as it was not a good time for me then but this year will be different. I’m feeling much more…..un-stressed, I guess you could say.

Which is a good thing. So let’s have a Merry Christmas ya’ll!!

 

 

 

Monday Meeting ~~ May 2, 2016

Hello, People! It’s been a while since I posted a Monday Meeting. I haven’t been posting much at all the last few months. I’ll tell you why later during the meeting. So, let’s begin shall we?

 

Monday Meeting

 

Grab yourself something to drink. A cold one, a hot one, a wet one or a dry one. Your choice. Maybe even a snack. After all, it’s virtual and doesn’t cost me anything. Not that I wouldn’t supply the drinks and snacks if it was real, I would. I may be poor but I’m not cheap. Anyway, I digress.

Let’s get started with news on the husband. I wish I could say I have good news. Not sure if I do. His health is not getting better. Sometimes I think it’s getting worse, or that just might be because I’m exhausted. I don’t know anymore.

He’s been having bad reactions to the chemo lately. The last couple of months he’s had to stop his chemo drugs as they were making him throw up. We talked to his cancer crew at the Cancer Clinic last month and they said to just keep trying to take the chemo. They also said that if he starts throwing up again, to stop taking them, as they didn’t want to damage his kidneys. They have him on anti-nausea pills but he still throws up. It is so hard seeing him seemingly get worse from drugs that are supposed to make him better.

I did get a chance to read his medical reports and the cancer doctor did state in them that it would surprise him if the husband would be able to tolerate the high dose he’s on. Well, guess what Doc? He can’t!

We will be talking to the cancer crew on Thursday. Hopefully, he will/can get a lower dose. If not, I think the husband will just stop the chemo altogether. He’s talked about it. Of course, he’s talked about wanting to die again too. He’s just in so much pain.

Good news front….I think it’s good news. I’m still waiting to see if it is or not. The husband got accepted to AISH…finally! After three years of trying. AISH is a government benefit program for people who are termed disabled and unable to work because of health reasons. Getting on AISH is a big deal to us, as it means a little more money every month and better medical coverage. It also could mean that the husband could get bars put in the shower to help him get in and out (we can’t afford them). He could also get other help. I’m kind of in limbo about how I feel about it all.

All the reams of paperwork I did on that for three years or more. It was a lot. Governments are the same everywhere. I think it’s just too soon to celebrate as all we have had so far is a phone call. I’m waiting for the official paperwork.

I’ve also had bad news about my mother. She was in the hospital for a few days a couple of weeks ago. She fell at home and couldn’t get back up. Her legs just failed. Thankfully she didn’t break anything but she is now having to use a walker and have someone live with her. My sister has been staying with her most of the time. I don’t know how long that will last as my sister has a family of her own. For now, my brother-in-law is holding down the fort. My mother also has ‘bleeding intestines’.

When I asked her what that meant, she said the small blood vessels in her intestines are weak and will break. The doctors told her there is nothing they can do and that for now the blood vessels stop bleeding on their own. My mother will turn 87 this year. I’m scared for her.

Gee, can things get any more bleak? I guess I shouldn’t ask that, as things always can get worse. Sigh.

I’m tired. I’m more than tired. I’m wiped. I also think the husband and I have matching ulcers. Fun times in Canada folks. I guess I shouldn’t complain, I still wake up every morning, I can still walk on my own, I can still do things for myself.

Count your blessings my friends. Count your blessings.

Because I’m so exhausted I haven’t been posting much. I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been doing a lot of things. I do what I have to and not much more. I just can’t. The grass outside is getting taller and thicker and I can’t cut it. I just can’t. So now I have to find someone who will, for free or next to nothing. The house inside looks a mess. The floors need vacuuming and scrubbing. The cobwebs from the winter need dusting and a million other things need to get done. Yet, it just sits there.

I care, yet, I don’t care.  I don’t have the energy to do something about it. I’m just trying to get through the days.

Wow, this post is a bit of a downer, eh? So I better finish it. Better days are coming……..

 

 

 

 

Monday Meeting

Hello, People!

I do hope you all had a great weekend. Come join me for some beverages, snacks, and a good old-fashioned chat session.

 

Monday Meeting

 

Are we comfortable? Settled? Need a refill? Please, help yourself to all the virtual goodies you want! I’m having my ever-present cup of coffee.

Let’s start this meeting with an update on the husband. He’s home from the hospital. As most of you know he was admitted to the hospital via Emergency because he was in a lot of pain and couldn’t keep anything in his stomach last Monday morning. He finally came home Thursday evening.

After a lot of blood tests, x-rays and CT scans it was determined he had what is called a ‘mechanical obstruction’ in his lower intestine. Because of his previous colon operation for colon cancer and his high doses of pain meds he became so constipated that it was obstructing his intestines. This was a serious situation as people can die from this. So they kept him in the hospital with a tube through his nose to his stomach, IV drips and various other things. He wasn’t able to eat anything and for the first couple of days, he wasn’t even allowed to drink water. They wanted to keep his stomach empty until they could do something about the obstruction.

It was a very long week for the both of us. He finally started to feel better about Wednesday. I think talk about a possible operation scared him well. 😉 I’m half kidding. It was a scary time.

Bottom line….he needs to drink tons of water, have a high fiber diet or take Metamucil. He needs to exercise more. Get out of bed and walk. He needs to keep himself regular or next time he might die. I hope they scared him enough that he will do these things. I did get him the Metamucil and make sure he takes it every day. Oh boy, that stuff is expensive! But it’s worth the cost to keep him out of the hospital.

I have him drinking lots of water too. I refused to buy him his pop/soda water and bought extra water. So far he is ok with it. The exercise part…..well that’s a struggle. He just refuses to do it. Not much I can do about it. Nagging him would just frustrate the both of us. I certainly don’t need that and neither does he. Anyone with any suggestions?

In other news….not sure there is any other news. ha!

My mind has been so tired and fuzzy I can’t remember what I’ve told everyone before. I’m just so tired. I’ve been going to bed before 10 p.m every night….that’s how tired I am. So far it hasn’t helped because I’ve been having some really vivid and tiring dreams lately. I think it’s the stress. Eh, I’ll be ok.

How have YOU been doing? I’m trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs. It’s hard once you fall behind. I do what I can. I’m trying to get back to my writing again but I’ve been so tired I have a hard time concentrating. I think that’s the most frustrating about being this tired. The lack of concentration. I find it difficult to write when I’m this way. I did go to my doctor the other week and told her how tired I am all the time. She had me do a bunch of blood tests to see if I lack in vitamin B12 and K. I haven’t heard back, so I suppose I better call her. Sigh. One more thing on my very long list of things to do.

Sorry for being so whiny today.

Again….How are YOU?

 

 

Wednesday Whatever!

Hello, People!

Wednesday

 

Today’s post is going to be a bit of a catch-up. I don’t know how many of you noticed but I haven’t been around much lately. There’s a very good explanation for that. There is actually two reasons for me not being around, one, is good, the other not so good.

The first reason being the husband. He is back in the hospital. Monday morning at 4 a.m.  I had to call an ambulance for him as he was in so much pain he thought he was dying, or wished he was dying. That was a very long day. I did manage to have my first ambulance ride in the FRONT of the ambulance. I’ve had a couple of rides in the back. Riding in the front passenger seat was interesting. Especially at four thirty in the morning. No traffic for one and I saw a couple of coyotes crossing the highway.

Anyway, getting back to the husband. In the emergency room the husband was in terrible pain and throwing up. He couldn’t even keep water down. At first, they thought it was his appendix. They took blood and found he had an infection…..somewhere. More tests were ordered. I was there from 4:30 until almost noon. I had to go home and take my insulin and meds, so I left him there as the emergency doctor told me they would be keeping him for a while yet.

I waited at home for the husband to call me…..with no call. I waited….and waited…and waited. Tried to take a nap, but worry kept me from that. I finally called the hospital at around 6 p.m. They told me they were keeping him and transferring him to a regular room. They gave me the floor he would be on so I called the floor nurses desk. They told me …. yes he was in the room but sedated for now and that I could talk to him later.

The husband finally called me about forty-five minutes later. Seems it wasn’t his appendix after all. It was his colon. It was infected and had a blockage. So they were keeping him for a few days, he wasn’t to have anything to drink or eat until they rid him of his blockage and knew he would be ok. I told him I would come and see him in the morning. Which I did. Just in time for me to have to step out of the room while they gave him an enema. Yeah, I know….too much information. Sorry.

Anyway, to keep a long story short. He is supposed to be home sometime this afternoon. Unless they change their minds. Poor guy was so hooked up to so many things he could hardly move. But, at least, he’s alive and he doesn’t need surgery. So far. He’s had it rough the last few months.

The second reason I haven’t been around much is that I’m writing a new book. I had this character keeping me awake at night. I don’t need some character keeping me awake, as I don’t sleep very good as it is. She insisted I put away Dee and Tee away for a while and write her story. She almost dictated what I’ve been writing. So, I am working on a new book. It’s a bit of a continuing story of a short story I did on here about three years ago. It was called ‘The Arsonist’. Some of you might remember it.

The book is going to tell the story of how a girl/woman turned out to be an arsonist for hire. Why she sets fires, how it makes her feel and why she wants to stop. It’s going to be about how she’s not really a bad person, even though she sets fires. How she wants to stop, but can’t. And how one man is on the hunt for her, finally tracks her down and what happens between them and more importantly what happens to her. I think it’s a mixture of psychological suspense with a touch of romance. I’ll keep you updated on the book(s).

I’ve fallen so far behind in my reading and blogs and stuff. But, I’m still around. You can’t get rid of me that easily. So, see you next time!

 

 

PS….A quick update since I wrote this post. The husband will have to stay in the hospital for now. I just received a phone call from him. He told me he has had a bit of a set back. He tried to eat some soup and it didn’t go too well. He’s in severe pain again and can’t keep anything down. So for now he is where he needs to be. Keep him in your thoughts if you will. Thank you. 

 

 

 

 

Learning Compassion

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I watch him out of the corner of my eye as I do the daily dishes. I’m worried about him, as he hasn’t eaten in a couple of days. He has hardly moved from his bed in the same amount of time.

I know I can’t nag him to eat. I’ve tried that in the past and it just makes us both miserable. I feel bad because the other day he asked for something special to eat and I had to tell him no. Not because I wouldn’t cook it because we had no money to buy it to cook. He didn’t seem to understand when I explained it to him.

He doesn’t understand lots of things now. It saddens me, but I have learned not to let it linger in my mind. It’s not his fault. It’s the fault of his medications. The strong pain pills he takes several times a day. They have robbed him of his sharp mind like the pain has robbed him of his appetite, his focus, his ability to function like he used to.

When we moved into this 30-year-old mobile home almost 2 years ago. We decided to put his twin size bed in the living room. He loves his TV, but the couch was too uncomfortable for him to lay on all day. So we got rid of the old loveseat and put in a twin bed we got for free. It has worked out well. The TV gives him something to do.

I watch him as I do the dishes. I see the deep furrows of pain on his face. I wish I could do something more for him but I know I can’t. Soon his afternoon pills will take effect, his eyes will gloss over, the furrows won’t be quite so deep. For a little while.

I finish the last dish, put it in the dish rack to air dry, wipe my hands and make myself another cup of coffee. I’ve been in the kitchen for 45 minutes and not a word was spoken between him and I. Just the sound of the TV going and the clink of dishes being cleaned.

I walk down the hall to my office and sit down with my coffee cup in  hand. Taking small sips, I think about the last time we spoke to each other. Was it yesterday? Or the day before? I lay my head back and close my eyes. We don’t speak much anymore. I’ve learned to accept it. As I’ve learned to accept a lot of things the last few years.

I could sink into a pool of self-pity, but why? It’s not his fault he became disabled, so racked with pain that taking a simple shower has to be planned ahead of time, just so the pain will be somewhat manageable.

I could rage at the universe and cry an ocean of tears. Again, why? The universe is not to blame for the circumstances that made us lose our home and come to live in a broken down trailer. It’s a roof over our heads and heat in the winter.

I could rail against it all. I have in the past, I won’t lie about that. I’m human, with faults. So, I railed against something him and I had no control over. I cried, I felt sorry for myself. Worse of all, I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from the pain. His pain and mine. I wanted to run fast and as far as I could. Half way across the world.

I didn’t run. I couldn’t run. I won’t run.

Instead, I learned compassion. Compassion for him. He doesn’t want to be in this much pain. Every single day, every single minute, to live in pain. Who would want that? So I find my compassion for him. My patience. My desire to help ease his suffering if I can. Which I can’t.

I can only help him suffer less. I will settle for that.

I have also learned to have compassion for myself. That was the hardest part. To be gentle with myself as much as I am gentle with him. I make mistakes, I lose my temper, I get frustrated, I get depressed. It’s ok to feel all these things. I will NOT beat myself up over having these feelings because they never last. I can’t let them. I won’t let them. I feel them and then I let them go without the guilt.

I open my eyes, sip my coffee and keep an ear out for him as I face my computer and do what I know I’m good at. Writing words.

I write the words I cannot speak out loud. I write the words that my soul feels. I write the words that I have learned. I write my heart. That’s how I learn compassion all over again.

 

 

 

One of His Bad Days

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I’ve just finished putting my hair in its usual hassle free ponytail when I hear a crash in the living room. It’s followed by a loud moan. I hurry out of the room to find him laying on the floor, no cane to be seen.

I bend over him and ask him if he hurt anything. No, he moans. I reach for and grab one arm, gently as I can, I lift him to his feet. It’s easily done, the lifting of him. Too easy for a man who is 5′ 11. I shouldn’t be able to lift him I think to myself, as I slowly lead him back to his bed. I’m only 5 feet tall, I should have a harder time lifting him off the floor. But I don’t.

He sits on the side of the bed and I look him over, making sure he hasn’t hurt anything. I see some bleeding on one arm and take a closer look. Just a scratch, but the blood is dripping down his arm, so I grab a tissue to put over it to staunch the blood. He bleeds so easily now. The slightest bump, scratch or nick brings blood and later a bruise. His medicine’s fault.

I ask him what happened. He tells me in his gravelly voice that he only needed to use the bathroom. He was on his way back when he tripped over the rug and fell. Where is your cane, I ask him. He forgot it in the bathroom. I go and get it and put it next to his bed where he can reach it.

It is the start of a bad day.

I’m in my office, working on the computer when I hear a crash come from the kitchen. Oh no! Not again! I rush down the hallway and turn the corner to the kitchen and find him on his back on the floor, his head against a cabinet door. He is trying to turn over on his knees, but can’t seem to do so. I put my hand out so he can grab it and once again, lift him to his feet.

He is angry. At himself. He was reaching into the fridge for a drink when he lost his balance and just fell backwards he tells me. He angrily asks why can’t he just stand up without falling?! I look into his dilated eyes, they are huge with the effects of his pain drugs and full of frightened anger. They shouldn’t be that dilated and my heart drops.

I calmly ask him what pills did he take. He doesn’t seem to understand the question. I lead him to his bed, again, and ask him what else did he take besides his pain meds. He jerks his arm out of my hand and says nothing. I look at the shelf where he keeps his things and find some empty pill bottles.

Dammit, I must have overlooked some pills in his bathroom. I pick them up and look at the labels.

I hear him moan and he tells me he just wants the pain to go away for a while. I read the labels on the now empty vials and see it’s antibiotics and other pain med. How many did he take? He doesn’t remember. I hand him a bottle of water and tell him to drink. Now, I’m worried. I ask him if he’s tired. No, he says, he’s hurting too much to go to sleep.

In my mind, I’m relieved. If he isn’t tired and doesn’t want to sleep, he isn’t too bad. Not too many pills are in his system, I hope.

 

I pocket the vials and make sure he’s settled once more. As I go back to my office, I throw the empty pill vials in the trash and check his bathroom for anymore missed pills. Finding none, I sit back down in my office chair. Tears are wanting to flow, but I know I can’t let them. If I start, I won’t stop. I can’t do it.

Twice more that day, I hear crashing and run to pick him up off the floor. Then the pills wear off and he’s better. I’m exhausted from worry, but thankful at the end of the day he is just scratched slightly, otherwise he seems ok.

Me, I’ve hurt my knee. To find out later that week at the doctor’s that I have pulled a ligament in my knee. The doctor doesn’t ask how I did it. I don’t offer him any information.

I just think, he had one of his bad days.

 

( I pulled a ligament in my knee about 8 months ago. This is how I did it. I don’t blame him. I blame the pain. I’m better now. He’s still in pain. We go on.)