Today’s daily prompt was this:
Most of us are excellent at being self-deprecating, and are not so good at the opposite. Tell us your favorite thing about yourself.
I’ve always had trouble tooting my own horn, patting myself on the back, giving myself kudos for something. I’m the second hardest person on me, my mother is the first. haha! Truth! So I thought today’s daily prompt would be a challenge. I also thought maybe, just maybe it was time to toot my own horn for a change.
I’m an optimist. Yes, I’m that dreaded person who always sees the good in a situation. Maybe not right away. Because there is some pretty bad crap going around. Eventually though I see the good. If I see a glass half full of water, I don’t see it as half empty. I don’t even see it as half full. I see it as you were thirsty and drank some water so let me get you some more!
I have to admit I haven’t always been this way. There was a time in my life that I only saw the bad. Always. Period.
I went into that black hole called depression. I was so far down in there that I didn’t think I would ever get out. Hell, I didn’t want to get out. I liked it down there. It was a love/hate relationship I had with depression for a few years.
It got so bad I went weeks without getting dressed. Weeks without taking a shower or washing my hair. All I did was smoke and think of all the terrible things that happened to me. That were sure to happen to me in the future. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I was sure everyone was out to get me. I couldn’t even open the front door and walk to the mailbox on the curb. I was sure if I did something terrible would happen to me. I was so sure of this!
Then one day I found myself sitting in a dark room with a gun in my hand. Yeah, it got to that point. I didn’t want to be around any longer. My husband at the time was anything but a good husband. I had lost 4 babies. My body would not carry them past 8 weeks. I was tired, lonely, and so far into that black hole I saw no way out. Except the permanent way. I was more then ready. I wanted it. No note, nothing left behind but a shadow no one thought about.
Do you believe in miracles? No? Neither did I. Till that day. I was so ready to die. To just blank out all the pain. I sat there with that gun and was ready to leave a world that hated me. I closed my eyes. Getting ready. Then I heard a noise in the room with me.
I opened my eyes and stared into 4 pairs of big brown trusting and loving eyes. They circled the chair I was in. Just sitting there staring at me in a small semi-circle in front of me. Four big and small dogs that just sat there and looked at me. They didn’t bark, they didn’t whine. They just looked at me. It was like they asked me who would take care of them if I do this thing. Who would love them like I did. I rescued every single one of those dogs from a terrible situation. Now they rescued me.
I stared at those trusting and loving animals and put that gun away. I cried and hugged them all. They licked the tears from my face and I vowed that day that I would get myself out of that black hole and never ever go back there again. No one was worth that kind of darkness. No one was worth that kind of pain.
I kept that promise. I took care of those dogs up till their dying day. They took care of me also. It wasn’t always easy to crawl my way out of that black hole. But I did it. Every day I would make the decision to be positive. To have a positive attitude. Sometimes I slipped. But I never dropped into that hold again.
Now, I always have a positive attitude. No matter what happens in my life. My motto is, everything happens for a reason, and all things are temporary, especially the bad stuff. It has helped me through some rough times. Since that day in that dark room I never give up on myself. I always see the positive. Now I’m getting positive back. So really, what more could I ask of myself?
So I’m tooting my own horn for being positive even when things are at their darkest.
The Last Chapter 
Wow! What an honest and uplifting post! I’d never have guessed you were anything other than bright and sparkly all the time 🙂 Congratulations on being wonderful!
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well thank you so much! I am an up person. That time of my life was really dark, but now, I am that person who is always up. Well, 99% of the time. Thank you for the compliment. 🙂
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You mean sunshine, rainbows and unicorns coming out her behind? lmao I know that’s what I use to describe myself. But I start it as, “I’m not always…” 😀 😉
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Jackie, you brought tears streaming down my face for that depressed woman, but also for the child I once was. I never had a gun, but I would try everything I could think of to end my life. I recall reading a story in the waiting room of a doctors office of a boy who had been in an accident. The story ended with him being told that if he raised his hand to god before falling asleep god would know he was ready to go to heaven. Heck I’d try even that. I propped my arm up for nights hoping not to wake again. Today I am so glad it turned out as it did.
I think when you come from some place so dark, you can only be optimistic in the rest of your life, I too am an optimist as a result.
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I didn’t mean to make you cry Lois. But it just means you could relate so well. Yes, I agree. When one is so down the only way is up. I understand wanting to never wake up. I did that too. I would sleep and hope I would never have to wake up to another day. Now, like you I’m glad I did. I’m also so very glad you did too.
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It’s okay, it just goes to show what a great writer you are to be able to reach that part of me.
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I read this earlier today before heading out to see my mother, and I kept wishing you were writing fiction. I’m amazed at your story, and so very happy your dogs were able to get through to you. Aren’t they wonderful creatures? You are always so upbeat and positive; it’s fun to be around you in the blogosphere. Thanks for sharing your story. I love your outlook on life today.
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I really hesitated hitting that publish button on this. It was my past. It was dark and hurting. But it was still in the past. I wasn’t sure if I should put my past out there like that as I’m usually pretty private. I do think that is the best thing about me though. Being positive. I just felt I needed to show people how I became so positive. I don’t know. It’s hard to say what I thought. But it’s out there now and it’s staying out there. Thank you Maddie for reading it. I love my outlook on life today also. Hey you are stuck with me! haha!
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I don’t know what to say. I’m glad you’re here. And I’m glad that you’re so optimistic, something I still have to learn to be. Toot away Jackie!
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Thank you so much Miss.
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*hugs* Beautiful post, from a beautiful soul. Thanks for being you! 🙂 (Sorry for the follows and unfollows. I can’t get your posts to send to my email. It seems like I’m having the most trouble with the blogs I click around on the most. La! I will figure it out eventually, in the meantime, sorry for the mess!)
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Thank you rara! I truly appreciate it. No worries about the follows and unfollows. Seems others are having that problem too, me included. We’ll get it worked out. 🙂
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Powerful, gripping, sad, and more. SImply wow! The fact that you wrote the story is one thing, but to tell the world is another. Cheers to you!
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Thank you Frank. I hesitated on publishing it. I hope it helps some others who have depression. There is hope. Always!
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Good for you … and let’s hope.
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I have to tell you – I am the EXACT same way about the freakin water glass! lmao! I was like, “Someone else who sees the glass like I do! YAY!” I also have to admit I was almost moved to tears by what you shared, because I have also dealt with depression and had that same “Love/Hate” relationship with it.
At some point, I just got tired and fed up with being scared of stupid stuff. Tired of being angry all the time (because I had been bullied which was part of why I was depressed) and I vowed and decided one day with steadfast determination…and a little frustration to light the fire under my butt, that I was going to make a CHANGE – and I did. Though these past 2 years have had me revisiting those dark places again and I dislike that, but I have tried to remain strong and positive despite what I have gone through.
I am a much more positive person, just like you. I still sometimes find myself trying to revisit that dark place, but I try to remember a certain Monty Python song, “Always look on the bright, side of life! *whistle the tune if you know it*”. Reading this also made me want to say, “SISTER! *hug*” I have no idea why. XD
But thank you for having the courage to share this! 😀
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Hello Lady Gwendolynn! I’m happy you stopped by. Someone else who sees the water glass as I do! wow. Welcome! haha!
Depression is something that is always lurking around the corner. The first few years after this event happened I fought it everyday. But I am stubborn, and I won. You will too! It just takes practice! So hang in there and stay strong.
If you ever need someone to talk to I will be glad to have a chat with you. You can email me at jlroeder(AT)mail(DOT)com
Big hugs sister!
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Thank you so much Jackie! I’m pretty stubborn too. Chinese Zodiac is the Ox after all and I’m part Irish! I appreciate the vote of confidence and the willingness to keep in touch! 😀 Thank you for giving me someone else I can talk to about this!
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No problem. Please do contact me if you need to chat. I mean it. Stubbornness can come in handy. 😉
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