Oh Yeah! It’s the Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop!
In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)
Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list. The more the merrier!
This is another snippet from “The Key”. It happens after Phillis was attacked in her kitchen by an unknown assailant. It is still in first draft so it is very rough!!
Phillis walked back to the kitchen and searched the kitchen cupboard until she found the bottle of Vodka she knew was stashed there. She got a glass and poured herself a stiff drink. She quickly gulped half down and refilled her glass. She took the bottle and glass to the table with her and sat down. She looked at Pal and raised her glass.
“I’m not a drinking girl, but damn I needed this!”
Phillis put the glass up to her mouth and took another long drink. She gave a cough as the booze hit the back of her sore throat. Why was the man here and why was he trying to kill her? She didn’t think he meant to kill her at first, more like subdue her. Once she fought back and he lost his temper than yeah, he wanted to kill her. But, again why?? She took a deep breath and looked at Pal sitting by the sink watching her. That’s when she noticed the blood.
She hastily put the glass down and rushed over to Pal. “Are you hurt boy?”
Phillis patted him down and then came to realize it was not Pal’s blood but that of the attackers. She grimaced and grabbed a kitchen towel and put it under the hot water tap. After wringing some of the water out she started cleaning the blood off of Pal. He stood quietly and let her fuss over him. He sensed she needed this to settle her nerves. After he was cleaned up to her satisfaction she threw the towel in the garbage.
She gave him another hug and whispered, “I’m so glad you are okay. I can’t lose you too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
https://jlroeder.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
Related articles
- Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #4 (therantingpapizilla.wordpress.com)
- It’s time again for the Sunday Snippet Critique Blog Hop! (jennykellerford.wordpress.com)
- Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #4 (itsjennythewren.wordpress.com)
The Last Chapter 
Great snippet here. Advice: take the second ‘kitchen’ in the first line out. Don’t need it since we know she’s in the kitchen.
I’d see if I could combine her taking a drink to moving to the table. it reads kind of choppy right now (I know, 1st draft :-))
Also, I’d like to see some sort of physical reaction. She’s just been attacked. I would think she would be shaking, sweating, clothes would be torn. has she called the police? Is she holding the phone thinking about calling the police. does she have any bruises? Cuts? Does she have a knife with her in the event he comes back? These are things I think I’d consider touching on in these paragraphs. I like the touch with Pal. Nicely done.
LikeLike
thanks for the great advice! I will see if I can clean it up some. 🙂
LikeLike
I remember that scene. It is awesome..and this reminds me I still haven’t finished reading your book. Frick. if I’m not working Tuesday, I’ll do it. It was so good!? Why did I stop?!
LikeLike
you stopped because you had other things to do. haaha! Life is life kiddo, read it when you can. I understand 🙂
LikeLike
The only comment I have to add is in the second last line, second last paragraph:
“He sensed she needed this to settle her nerve.” How does Phillis know what the dog is sensing? How can she read his mind?
LikeLike
Phillis and Pal have a very special relationship as is explained earlier and through out the book. In that context it does not seem unusual that the dog ‘sensed’ phillis needed what she did. There are other places in the book that this kind of ‘understanding’ goes on between the dog and the woman. As this is just a very small snippet out of a whole book it stand to reason it might not completely make sense unless you read the book or the beginning of the friendship between woman and dog.
LikeLike
I am not in the mood to critique. 😉 But I like this story, and am looking forward to reading it when you finish. Hope you’re having a good weekend!!
LikeLike
Maddie! I hope your weekend was carefree and fun. I like the story also, even if it still needs lots of work. 😉
LikeLike
Nice snippet again – looking forward to the book 🙂
LikeLike
thank you tiny! I’m looking forward to it too! It keeps changing on me so who knows how it will turn out. 😉
LikeLike
I can’t wait to sit down and read this story in its entirety, you really have me hooked.
LikeLike
Thanks Lois! That made my day 🙂
LikeLike
I think you can cut a lot of the ‘she’ in the first paragraph – she did this she did that jars a bit as you read it. Maybe mention fur in the paragraph she is cleaning the blood off the dog? Good snippet!
LikeLike
Thanks Mandy, I have a bad habit of inserting ‘she’ or ‘he’ in a story, I am trying to be better about that.
LikeLike
Everyone got to the good advice ahead of me! A dash more reaction and description, and this already good snippet is golden!
I know this is a rough draft, but when you edit, you might look at your verbs.
“She got a glass…” “She hastily put the glass down” “to the table with her and sat down.”
Got could be grabbed, or sat could be slumped.
None of these things *need* changing, but they might strengthen the scene if you change some.
LikeLike
I see what you mean. Yes it would make it much stronger. Thank you! I plan on editing the snippet and then later on show what I have done to change it. Thanks again
LikeLike
The evolution of a story is a story too.
LikeLike
very true Frank! thanks for visiting. 🙂
LikeLike