Today’s daily prompt is: Murphy’s Law says, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” Write about a time everything did — fiction encouraged here, too!
I might be cheating just a tad today, because I am going to re-post something I wrote a while back on my other blog. It fits this prompt to a T! Also, it’s pretty funny and it’s a true story!
Readers that have followed my food blog for a while have read about this particular instance. (Actually 2 instances….so far). So please forgive me, but I think it bears repeating for those who haven’t read it.
Here we go………..Instead of sending you to my other blog, I’m just going to copy it here in its entirety.
The Adventure of Grocery Shopping (or how I got run out of the store by a little old lady)
Today I had planned on posting some cool off treats to help with the heat wave that many are experiencing. But, I have a story to tell. It happened last Tuesday at the Safeway supermarket. Now my neighborhood Safeway has a promotion going on, the first Tuesday of the month is Seniors Day. They get a percentage off of their purchases and it can be quite a savings. And no matter how early you go to the store there are literally busloads of Seniors! Now I try to avoid going to the grocery store on the first Tuesday of the month, not because I dislike old people. Quite the contrary I adore old people! After all if I’m lucky one day I will be one of them!
Nope, I avoid going because, well, this is going to sound a bit strange. I avoid going because I am an old people magnet! Yup, you read that right. I attract older people like….like…..the ice cream truck attracts kids. They are drawn to me, always have been. Even when I was a child, I would draw old people. And they wouldn’t pinch my cheek and tell me how cute I was (although I have to admit I WAS pretty darn cute!) Oh no!! They would tell me their life stories! Not that I minded really, they always had some interesting stories to tell. It used to irritate me just a bit back then, but as I grew older I came to appreciate those old people and their stories! And, after last Tuesday I just might have some interesting stories to tell some kid when I get old!
Now this is how it went……….
I was in the pasta aisle. I wanted some gluten-free pasta and was looking to see what was available. I had a taste for pasta…..I wanted pasta……but I had no gluten-free pasta at home. So there I was, minding my own business and wondering if I wanted the rice noodles or should I try the brown rice spaghetti. Out of the corner of my eye I see this old woman coming down the aisle using a walker. I remember smiling to myself because she was one of those old “characters”, you could tell just by looking at her. She wasn’t one of these typical white-haired “old ladies”. This one had flaming red hair, obviously from a bottle, but still I couldn’t help but admire the choice of red on top of her head. It was eye-catching to say the least. She moved pretty slowly and her face was made up with powder and rouge and her lips were a deep red. Her blue eyes behind her large black framed glasses had a sparkle to them, so you just knew she had some stories in her!
I smiled at her as she approached and moved a bit closer to the pasta to give her plenty of room to maneuver that walker around me. But, instead of going around me she stands next to me and gives me the biggest smile! It was the kind of smile that if you were having a bad day, that smile would cheer you up. She notices the gluten-free noodles in my hands and in this sweet high-pitched voice says “Now what would you want with those make-believe noodles? You want a good dish, you gotta use good old egg noodles.”
I bite back a laugh and tell her that I’m doing a gluten-free lifestyle.
“What kinda lifestyle?” she shoots back at me.
I explain that I’m changing my lifestyle to get healthier.
She looks me up and down and says in her high pitched….oh and did I mention CARRYING voice……..”Honey, why would you want to change your sex because of health???”
I kind of laugh and state, I’m not changing my sex. I’m changing my lifestyle!
“Well I just never could understand these sex changing people. If God made you a woman why would you want to change into a man??!!” she asks. “You make a pretty good-looking woman, so stay that way!”
Now, I can feel myself blushing , because several other people have entered the aisle and of course were eavesdropping shamelessly. And they were all staring at me like I was something they had never encountered before.
“I bet your mama would have something to say about you wanting to change into a man!” she says.
“I DON”T want to change into a man!” I state quite firmly and can feel a bit of hysterical laughter bubbling up.
She looks at me earnestly and says “From what I have heard it’s not want you might WANT…but what you feel you have to do to feel good about yourself”. And in her carrying voice she whispers to me loudly. ”I will pray for you, and I will tell all my friends to pray for you too!!” as she pats my arm.
By now I am ready to run out of that store and never come back! But I don’t. I stay and try to defend myself against a little old lady in a walker. And of course more and more people are entering the aisle. I mean who wouldn’t right? They probably heard her on the other side of the store and wanted to see the lady who wanted to change her sex!
So I try AGAIN to explain to her that I am NOT changing my SEX, that I am staying a woman! I realize I am saying this in a bit of a loud voice. I think to more convince all the other people in the aisle then to convince the red-haired old lady. I’m not angry, actually I find myself wanting to laugh hysterically and bite my lip so I won’t offend her and do just that!
I start slowly moving down the aisle hoping to end the crazy conversation and get out of the store with some dignity intact! With each step I take she takes one with her walker. All I can remember thinking is, I am NEVER coming again on the first Tuesday of the month. I smile at her and tell her I have an appointment (which I didn’t) and have to go. And I tell you, for an old woman using a walker, that lady could move when she wanted to!! She is pretty much keeping pace with me as I move out of the aisle and to the registers to check out. Now I didn’t get everything I wanted from the store and realized I had both the rice noodles AND the spaghetti noodles in my hands, but all I could think was escape!! So I get checked out and I can hear this sweet old lady behind me talking to some friends about the woman she met who wanted a sex change.
As I finish checking out and grab my bag of noodles and start for the door I hear behind me, in a high-pitched and CARRYING voice, ”Now don’t go getting that sex change operation without talking to your mama first!” As I risk a look behind me, there is that nice old lady and a big group of her friends, AND the cashiers all looking at me. Some had smiles and some looked confused, but they were ALL looking at me!!
I just dash for the door and the safety of my car. I get in and breathe a huge sigh of relief and just start……laughing! I couldn’t stop laughing!!! I’m laughing till tears come and I glance out the side window and see this poor little old man just staring at me and start laughing even more! He’s probably thinking I’m crazy, but hell all the others thought I was crazy too. So what’s one more????
So the moral of the story is this……watch how you word what you say to old lady characters, or it might just land you in the situation I found myself! (But I still laugh about it, and no….I AM NOT going back on the first Tuesday of the month!)
Now is that not a comedy of errors?